The Secret to a Happy Marriage? Revenge.

In the months before I entered so-called wedded bliss, I was inundated with tips, advice, and other useless tidbits of information from every woman I met. What no one bothered to mention is that though your boyfriend listened and your fiance listened, your husband doesn't hear a word you say. The trick is learning how to make him understand the consequences of not listening.

My husband and I recently purchased our first home. Along with the joy of ownership came a new set of obstacles we weren't prepared to face. Our home was built in 1918, long before overstuffed couches and big screen TVs were invented. My husband is involved in a love affair with these things and our home is furnished with nothing but. We learned shortly after moving into our new home that our overstuffed couches and 62" TV would not fit down the stairs to the basement. Solution 1? Cut a hole in the ceiling (coincidentally the floor of my closet) to make more room. When that didn't work, solution 2 came along; buy an outrageously over-priced flat screen to put in the living room above the fireplace. When asked for my opinion on such a purchase, I graciously said "that is the dumbest fucking idea I have ever heard. Not only can we not afford it, I don't want a TV in the living room. Please, please, please do not purchase that TV". Less than 2 hours later my husband unpacked a black, 50", flat screen, HDTV that cost a whole month's mortgage and situated it on the mantel above the fireplace. I am still secretly hoping that it accidentally crashes to the ground.

I thought I had made myself clear. Apparently I did not. Since my husband ignored my blatant dissatisfaction with the new TV, I have decided to ignore his requests as well. Out of consideration I asked my husband how he would feel if I took my blonde hair that I have worked so hard to get and made it red. I showed him a picture of what I wanted (after all, he showed me a picture of the TV so it was the least I could do): I want to look like Kate Walsh/Addison Montgomery Sheppard of Grey's Anatomy/Private Practice. His response was "I don't like her character and her attitude on those shows so I can't find her attractive", which proved to me that women are not the only gender with constant rationality, so I showed him another picture of a redhead. He found her more attractive, but still requested that I not dye my hair any color other than blonde. After all, he is the one that has to look at me. His exact words were"I just think it is a dumb idea to dye your hair red and you really shouldn't do it!" Though his words were less profane than mine, I am still ignoring them. I have made an appointment for 2 weeks from now, and I will be turning my blonde hair red.

Is it rational to dye my hair red because my husband spent an exorbitant amount of money on a TV? Probably not. Is it slightly crazy? I guess so. Am I totally excited to do it? You bet your ass.