"Helpful" Advice That You Can Shove Up Your Ass

I've never liked unsolicited advice, about anything. I am perfectly happy with making mistakes and learning from them; I don't need anyone to warn me of the outcome. When I was 17 and dancing I was a very healthy 135 lbs. I was only a size 4 and I guess I looked like I weighed much less, but 135 is an awesome weight, and if I told people today that was my goal they wouldn't think twice about it. But I guess somehow I was too skinny back then. I had people tell me constantly I was too skinny and I should eat more. Really? Because I just ate an entire medium pizza on my own and I'm considering breadsticks still. I have absolutely no patience for people who think they know better than me simply because they are older than me. My life is different than yours; I am different than you. So it should come as no surprise that the ever-helpful parenting advice really drives me up a wall. In fact, some of the things I hear are so far from what I would ever consider common sense that I really have to hold back from saying how pathetically stupid the advice-givers are!

Right now, I am pregnant with my 3rd, my THIRD child. I'm not sure why you don't get this, but this isn't my 1st go round. This may shock you even more, but I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING! I don't need you to tell me what to expect with delivery (I'm having a c-section thankyouverymuch) and I sure as hell don't need your opinion on c-sections. Again, this is my 3rd chance at childbirth. I've had one each possible way and I know what I prefer so keep your "wisdom" to yourself. I also don't need anyone to tell me that I'm really going to have my hands full, or I'll never sleep again, or 3 is so much different than 2. Really? You mean this one isn't going to come out sleeping 12 hours a night? Are you telling me I only have 2 hands but will now have 3 children's hands to hold? You can't possibly mean that a 3rd child is going to change our family dynamic? I am shocked at this information! Thank GOD you are here to enlighten me, now that it's too late to change my mind about having another baby. I actually considered all of those things BEFORE I got pregnant again because on top of this being my 3rd baby, I am also not a fucking moron.

Did you all know that there is a 50/50 chance that this baby could be another boy? Because that, my friends, was news to me. I was sure there was some law of physics that proclaimed that after 2 boys the 3rd one HAD to be a girl so silly me, I painted the room pink and covered everything in purple polka dots! But really, I have totally convinced myself that this is another boy. If I am wrong, cool, I get to have a little girl, if I'm right, cool, I love my boys so one more will just be more fun! And you know what, no matter what things were like 40 years ago when you had your last kid, they actually can tell you with 100% certainty what sex your baby is. So once they give me the all clear, I can buy little ruffly dresses and take the tags off without fear that I'll wind up with a closet full of clothes that my baby boy can't wear. And to those of you who "hate when people find out what they are having". Um, yeah, shove it. If you don't want to know what you are having than don't find out. I, however, want to know so I will find out. That bullshit about how wonderful the surprise is when the baby is born? Guess what, the whole damn thing is a surprise. What's the draw of having one more thing that you didn't know thrown at you? I don't know how big baby is going to be, I don't know what the apgar score will be, I don't even know for sure if baby will cry right away which will scare the crap out of me! So how about I have all of the information that is possible so that they are as few "surprises" as possible.

I'm sure most of you know this, but to get to the delivery of a baby you have to go through this phenomenon called "pregnancy". If there were some way around that I would share it but as of now that's the only way (to deliver your own baby. Obviously there is adoption but I know nothing about that so I'm not going there). So again, this is my 3rd pregnancy so I'm getting pretty good at this too. Maybe you were only allowed to gain 15 lbs but I'm happy with the 35 (or so) that I gained. And if I hear one more person who has never had kids tell me that losing weight at the beginning is bad (which it isn't, it's actually really common) I'm going to lose it. I don't need anyone but my doctor to tell me what my weight should be. I'm pretty unconcerned that I have lost 3 lbs. I lost 8 last time at that kid ended up being over 10 lbs when he was born so...I'm betting I'll be ok.

And I could write for DAYS about people telling me what to do once baby gets here! Seriously, I don't need 55 year-old men telling me that my baby needs to eat. 1st of all, I'm guessing you've never had an infant suck milk out of your boob so you have zero idea what the whole breast-feeding thing is about. You also don't know that I fed him in the car before we came inside, and you clearly don't realize that babies don't need to eat constantly. I'm guessing you are also unaware of the fact that babies actually cry for reasons other than hunger. It could be that they are tired, or maybe they crapped their pants (in which case all-knowing sir, the diaper bag is by the stairs. Have at it.), or maybe they just need to suck on something, or maybe just maybe, not a damn thing is wrong and they just want to cry because so far it's all their little body knows how to do! I'm not going to starve my children. You haven't cared for an infant since the cold war. Why don't you just leave this one up to me?

So the moral of this story? Keep your "advice" to yourself. No one appreciates it, and if you happen to try and shove it down MY throat you'll get an earful you are not prepared to handle.