Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

1. "You don't even look pregnant!" Ok, 1st of all, at 13 weeks, I shouldn't look pregnant. Maybe you got fat right away but some of us take a little longer. And at 27 weeks, I'm almost 25 lbs heavier, my maternity clothes aren't big enough, and I can't see my feet; I sure as shit better look pregnant. Telling me I don't look pregnant is not in any way a compliment.

2. "You look like you're having twins!" Oh, hey yeah, fuck you. There's just 1 baby. The rest is just water weight and fat.

3. "Enjoy it now, they are so much easier when they are on the inside!" Ya' don't say? It is easier to carry a baby that is physically attached to me than one that lives on the outside? I am SHOCKED by this. And in actuality, I totally disagree. Yes, it is easier for ME to carry baby when it's still snuggled warm inside me sucking every last bit of energy out of me, but once said baby is on the outside OTHER PEOPLE get to carry it. My body gets a break, even if only for 10 minutes. I can sleep in whatever position I want and not worry about cutting off oxygen supply. I can sit in my car and blare Britney Spears as loud as I want and not worry about damaging hearing or brain development. Oh, and maybe you have heard me mention this before, but this is in fact my 3rd baby. I am fully aware of the challenges babies living outside the womb present.

4. "Excuse me, I really have to pee". Oh really? So you also have a tiny fetus jumping on your bladder? No? You just think your more important than everyone else on their way to the bathroom at this very crowded ballpark? My bad. Please, go ahead of me. I'll just tell everyone my water broke.

5. "I think your feet are swollen". Why thank you, Captain Obvious, I had no idea. I mean, my shoes don't fit, it hurts to walk, and any time I wear sandals I get semi-permanent indents where my toes used to be, but I had no clue my feet were swollen. Good thing I have you...

6. "Aren't you a little young to be having a baby?" Aren't you a little old to have an opinion on fertility? Ya' wanna know what is really irresponsible? 27 year-old married women who are successful and financially stable who decide with their husband that they want another baby. I mean really, who do those women think they are??

7. "Can I bum a cigarette?" Oh shoot, just smoked my last one. Sorry. Dumbass. In reality, even if I wasn't pregnant and I did smoke cigarettes (which for the record, I have never done - just about the only thing I've never smoked) I wouldn't give one to the weirdo outside 7-11. As it were, I'm not real big on sharing. 


middle child said...

People are stupid. It's like there's no filter and all their thoughts fly right out. I am past having babies, but whenever people make dumb comments, I totally want to respond with my well-honed sarcasm. Actually, I think I will do just that. Be well.

RooPlusTwo said...

When I was pregnant with the twins, about 38 weeks, a nurse at my ob said I was bigger than octomom. I was tempted to bake her a cake with antifreeze after the tears subsided.

Losing Brownies said...

Lol, yup I think I heard just about all of those. Maybe not the last one though.

Cheri said...

PLEASE, please write a book. Perhaps in your spare time? Really though, you have a gift.

Glen said...

who is the father - is it your Husband's? - or are we not allowed to double check that now as well?

Women are scary. We get 9 months off tip toeing around PMT and what happens?

Pregnancy happens.

After that they become Mum's, and mums are barking mad - everyone knows that.

Life would be a lot easier if I fancied men, quite frankly.

TheAwesome said...

First time visiting your blog and I LOVE these. Except that I hate them. I have three girls (5 1/2, 3 1/2 and 1 1/2) so I know what you're going through. My all time favorites - and they're actually related - are "Don't you know what causes that?" and "You know you can prevent that, right?" Fuck you and your little dog, too. Please, please, go into DETAIL about how I got pregnant and how I can prevent it because guess what?!? I really thought it was *just* because I was married. That's what causes pregnancy, right???