The Rational Mind of a Crazy Woman

Catholic School Probably Wasn't Prepared For Us

2012-02-02T22:05:00.000-07:00

As I have mentioned before, we decide last May that we would send Bug toCatholic school. We knew it would be a bit of a culture shock for him, and a pain in the ass for us, but the school really had no idea what it was getting itself into when they let us enroll.Bug is a smart kid, sometimes too much so for his own good. He has spent the majority of his almost 6 years of life hanging out with adults and he has developed a, let's call it mature, sense of humor. He converses with kindergarteners like he does with daddy's buddies and they don't quite seem to understand him. His teachers don't quite appreciate it either. I guess I failed to mention what catholic school actually meant, because the very 1st thing Bug said when I picked him up after his 1st day was "there's a lot of God and Jesus stuff at my school". Oh, oops. Did I not tell you about that? He was also very disappointed at how boring mass was. I probably could have warned him that it isnt like the church he go goes to with Pa. my bad. I don't think Bug's teachers appreciate that he thinks Jesus' last name is Price. Or that I tried to convince him that "Howard" be thy name when he was learning the Lord's prayer. Or that I keep him home every time they pray to the rosary (whatever the hell THAT is). It probably didn't go over too well that the reason we aren't catholic is because it costs too much money. At least I didn't tell him it was because Catholicism is a bunch of bullshit, not yet anyway. I am certain his 65 year old teacher was less than impressed when Bug told her that "some chick kicked him in the balls". Trust me, that one could have been a lot worse. He finally landed himself in timeout when another kid wrote a letter incorrectly and Bug called him a failure. I guess we are just as shocking to catholic school as it is to us. I hope we at least make it to 2nd grade before he drops an f-bomb, but I'm not counting on it.

Girls Rule and Boys Drool

2011-10-26T10:23:00.000-06:00

I realize that I haven't been a very good blogger lately, mostly because almost 3 months ago I had a baby girl and I have yet to write anything about her here. Baby D Tres (BDT from now on) was ripped out of my uterus at 10 something on August 3rd. She weighed 9lbs 9oz and was 20.5" long. She had an enormous head, bigger than both her brothers. So far she doesn't look like an alien though, so let's hope that keeps up. So far, she pretty much rocks. She's been sleeping through the night for a month, she hardly cries, and she already puts up with her older brothers poking at her and trying to sit on her while she sleeps in her car seat. This girl is gonna be tough.

She does have some tough competition though. Her brothers, while smelly and a bit out of control, are pretty much the sweetest boys ever so I expect her to be snuggly and sweet and say adorable things. She already snuggles, and for whatever reason every little thing she does is sweet. I am soaking up every bit of these precious first months because a) I know this is my last one and 2) someday she'll be a teenage girl and I will have to try and sell her on Ebay to recoup my losses. I also have it on good authority that girls also drool, not just boys. Until then though, I am spending my time kissing little toesies and pink covered tummies.

Dear Mrs. Auction Winner

2011-09-30T14:23:00.000-06:00

Dear Mrs. Auction Winner,

I realize that you bought yourself a reserved parking spot in front of the school because you are too lazy to walk all the way in from the parking lot. I also realize that your husband must make a lot of money for you to be able to drive that shiny new Suburban since you seem too emotionally unstable to hold a job yourself. So you need to realize this; if you ever park behind me so I can't leave because I parked in YOUR spot, and then proceed to yell at me as if I am inferior to you, I will put a Volkswagen sized hole in that shiny new Suburban and you can explain to your pompous husband that it happened because you are entitled little bitch. Catholic school or not, 2 can play at your little game and next time I won't give a flying fuck who hears what I say.

In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit,

Go Fuck Yourself

Ten

2011-09-11T13:27:00.000-06:00

It's been 10 years. I had know idea how that day would effect the rest of my life. Like all of us, I remember exactly where I was as I watched the 2nd plane hit. I remember exactly who I was with as we watched the towers collapse into a sea of black smoke. I remember my male classmates pledging to join the armed forces if that was necessary. I remember when 2 of those boys were deployed, and more importantly when they returned home safely. I remember the sinking feeling in my stomach upon learning that my dad was in New York doing business with Morgan Stanley and my uncle was flying a plane that had just taken off from Washington Reagan. I remember bursting into tears in front of my classmates when I finally got a hold of my step mom and she told me that my dad and my uncle were both safe. Everything about that day is still crystal clear, 10 years later.

I am one of those people who watches all of the documentaries every September 11th. I can't help it. I cry and remember, and I get angry. Angry for those who lost loved ones and angry at those who caused this pain. I have pride in my country and the amazing responders who risked and lost their lives. I am proud of how we came together so quickly yet saddened by how quickly we divided again. I have hope that we can come together again, without a terrible tragedy as a reason.

Today was harder than the last 9 anniversaries for me. Today, Bug saw footage of the attacks and started asking questions. How do you explain to a 5 year old that there are evil people in the world that want to hurt us for no reason? How do you explain that people died that day? How do you explain that real life heroes aren't like Batman or Superman and don't have super powers? How do you explain to a 5 year old that real heroes sometimes give their life in order to save others? Fortunately a commercial for an awesome new toy came on and we didn't have to answer his questions, but someday we will. When I was sitting in my Government Econ class 10 years ago today I knew my life would change, but I never considered how I would teach my children this piece of American history. I hope I can rise to the challenge. I hope my children never have to experience the heartache of watching such a tragedy unfold. I hope the wars that we are fighting now both in the middle east and at home will lead to a safer and more stable life for my children and grandchildren. I have hope. I have pride. I remember.

Sometimes It's Better That I Don't Know Everything

2011-08-31T12:23:00.000-06:00

There was a time in life when I was innocent (I won't discuss just how long ago THAT was). When I was an inquiring mind who wanted to learn and grow and know everything I could possibly know. Now? Not so much. I don't have time to wonder. I don't have the patience to learn. I pretty much just accept that I don't know everything and I don't care.

There was a time in my life when I would have wondered why the roll of toilet paper was on the floor behind the bathroom door and not on the holder next to the toilet like it should be. Today, I picked the roll up off the floor and put it on the holder, never once wondering how it got there. I have two boys, one of which does random things all the time and another who is starting to entertain the idea of using the potty. I assume one of them moved the toilet paper and I assume I don't want to know why. Sometimes it's better that I don't know everything.

Not a Baby Anymore

2011-08-22T10:31:00.000-06:00

Today was Bug's 1st day of kindergarten. Naturally, we were a few minutes late because being on time is something I am not capable of apparently. Since we didn't get there in time, I only have the 1 picture I took at home, and none of the whole group of little 5-year-olds in their uniforms lined up outside like I had planned. He was so proud of how he looked in his khaki shorts and polo shirt, I love that he doesn't hate his uniform, I would have for sure.

Today was pretty hard for me. After I got him into his class I had to take his diabetes gear into the office and explain some things to the lady in there. It wasn't until I got back to my car that it really hit me; I have a school-aged kid. Who was once my baby is now my big kid, my oldest child, the big brother; the kindergartner. I love seeing him grow up but I miss the days when he was just a snuggly little pumpkin who slept all day and didn't talk back. I dread the day he is too cool for me, and I'm afraid that moment is rapidly approaching. When I got out of the car to walk him in he said to me, "can't I just walk in by myself?" Uh, absofreakinglutely not! Someday yes, today? No way in hell. Today I am walking you in and giving a big hug and kiss and you are going to like it, damnit!

I lost it as soon as I got in my car. And then I couldn't stop. When I finally did stop I called my mom thinking I had recovered, but not so much. As soon as she answered the water works started again. I'm doing ok now, but wow, that was ridiculously hard! Good thing there is only one 1st day of kindergarten for each kid or I'd never make it out alive.

To My Beautiful, Wonderful Boys

2011-08-03T06:45:00.000-06:00

Bug & The Little Guy,

Today our world changes, again. It's hard to imagine that I could love another baby as much as I love each of you but if I have learned anything the last 5 1/2 years it's that I have no idea just how much love I have to give until I bring another baby until the world. Every day I love my family more and more, and it's because you boys are so incredible. Yesterday at breakfast the waitress told me her kids we teenagers and she doesn't miss what I've got at all. Well I feel sorry for her. Her teenagers must not have been the blessing that you are. I already know that I will miss this so much some day. Some day Bug, you'll stop wanting to dress up in fancy pants and a sport coat to go out to dinner, and some day my Little Guy, you'll start saying words how they are supposed to be said. I will miss this. I will miss the lives we had before we brought your baby sister home.

But now we get to start a new journey, one with little pink dresses and ballet classes. I have no doubt that you boys will be the absolute best big brothers ever. You'll protect her and show her the way, you'll love her and you'll toughen her up. She'll be hunting and playing with dump trucks in the mud, all while wearing a tutu. I know you will each pass along your amazingness to her. She will be smart and funny like you Bug and sweet and fearless like the Little Guy. Yes, our family is changing again, but each time we add another baby it gets even better. We have some changes to make but it's nothing we can't handle. You boys are the most amazing little boys ever and I am a better person for having had you. I love you so much!

Mama

Crayon. In the Dryer.

2011-07-20T18:13:00.000-06:00

My oldest is 5 1/2 years old, and yesterday? I had my very first experience with "what the??? What is this? How did this?? WHO LEFT A RED CRAYON IN THEIR POCKET???" I discovered this, uh, problem, when I went to dry all of new baby's clothes for the first time. I am quite thankful that I noticed it beforehand or the people of China would be wondering what that noise that sounded like a woman sobbing was. I was not aware that crayon would melt all over my dryer, dying the entire thing red. I'm happy that I have been a mom this long without knowing such a fact, but I would be happier if I still didn't know it. I brought Bug downstairs to the laundry room, just to show him what happens when a crayon is left in one's pocket; I even prefaced this by telling him I didn't know whose pocket it was in so I wasn't going to punish him or his brother. Before I even got to the dryer Bug said to me, "oh yeah, that was probably me. I had them in my shirt pocket". Oh yeah, how lovely. I'll probably freak out when the crayon doesn't wash out of the dryer. But how could I punish him? He owned up to it, then he spent an hour cleaning the dryer since I'm too ~~fat~~ pregnant to do it myself. Next time, though, I'm throwing away all of the clothes rather than trying to get the crayon out of them. Take that, you honest and helpful little boy!

And yes, most of the crayon came out and none of it seems to have transferred onto the baby clothes, so I haven't had to do any screaming or sobbing.

Giveaway Extended!

2011-07-16T15:42:00.001-06:00

I am a little underwhelmed by the participation in my 1st ever giveaway, so I am extending it by one week. The contest to win a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting will end next Saturday, July 23rd at midnight. I'm guessing most of you already have this book and that's why you haven't entered, but if you know someone that doesn't have it please send them my way! Each person can earn 4 entries, but you don't have to do all 4! You must, however, leave a comment on this post or the original post and let me know that you are entering. Thanks everyone!!

My First Ever Review/Contest/Giveaway!!

2011-07-09T09:52:00.001-06:00

In the almost 3 years that I have had this blog I have never ever hosted any kind of review or giveaway. I started this blog as a chance to write and vent, not to earn money or get lots of followers. However, the more I posted the more followers I got, and the more comments I got. I just have to say, I do love the attention! So a few weeks ago when I was approached by WhatToExpect.com about doing a review or contest I was very intrigued. Not only did someone from the sight come across my blog and LIKE it, it was good enough for them to give me books to give away. So that's what I am doing. The author of What to Expect When You're Expecting, Heidi Murkoff, has also written 2 other books; What to Expect the First Year and What to Expect the Second Year. I am going to run 3 separate contests to give away copies of each book.

Now, as a mom, I have definitely already read her 1st book because really, what new mom hasn't? So I am going to give away 2 copies of that book 1st. I'm going to read and review the other 2 before I start handing them out. So here is how it works: I will randomly choose 2 entrants to win copies of What to Expect When You're Expecting using one of those random winner generating tools that I've seen online before. Each person can earn 4 entries and here is how. 1st, follow my blog, 2nd like me on Facebook here, 3rd follow me on Twitter here, and 4 leave a comment on this post and tell me which ones you did, what your Twitter handle is and what your 1st name is so I can verify that you earned all of those entries. You don't have to do all 4 of those to enter, but you do have to leave a comment.

I will close the contest one week from today on Saturday, July 16, 2011. I am really freaking excited about this giveaway so please please please pass it along!

Get Out of My Uterus

2011-07-05T13:53:00.000-06:00

My position on all things religious, political, and "controversial" is this: If it doesn't affect me, I just plain don't give a shit. I don't waste time caring about what other people say and do. I don't campaign for people to change their minds about anything whether it be circumcision, church, or abortion. Your opinions are your own, and I assume you have your reasons for them. Because this has been my stance for so long, nothing bothers me more than people who try and force their opinions and their beliefs on me because they differ from theirs. It's one thing to simply share your opinion, because you are always entitled to do so, it is quite another to tell me I am doing something wrong just because it differs from the way you chose to do things.

Since I am pregnant, the main thing irking me these days is the c-section debate. Here's the thing, you have your own uterus, so how 'bout you just worry about that one and ignore mine altogether. I am sick of woman (thankfully, I have yet to run into a man who has brought up his opinion on c-sections; those men should be equally as thankful that they have yet to meet me as well -- no uterus, no opinion.) I am sick of women who spend so much time "educating" all us stupid moms on the "risks" of c-sections. Don't you have a newborn? Shouldn't you be paying attention to all the children you bore naturally in a bathtub with Enya playing in the background? I'm glad that worked for you, I however, have zero interest in a) not having immediate access to medical attention b) no drugs (don't even get me started on that argument!) and c) cleaning up that mess afterward. For me, childbirth is not one tiny bit about me or my experience. I have never wasted a moment of my life planning what the perfect experience would be. Each time I have had but 1 concern: get my baby here, and get him here safely. If that means that he needs to get out of his comfy womb as quickly as possible, and that means via c-section, so be it. A living, breathing baby is infinitely more important than having the "perfect" childbirth experience. No one will ever convince me otherwise. No amount of facts and statistics and made-up data will ever change my mind on that. I understand that some women are coerced into c-sections by the doctors for varying reasons that may or may be legitimate, but that isn't the only reason women have c-sections. I shouldn't be berated for my choice just because some women can't stand up for themselves. I have had 1 child each way and the experience was no less euphoric with one or the other. My 1st caused a lot of damage being born vaginally and quite frankly I never want to have to endure that pain again. My 2nd couldn't handle mild contractions and stopped breathing; my only thought was to get him out and put him in my arms, and my doctor did that quickly with a c-section. Seeing her lift my boy over the sheet brought a relief I was so afraid I wouldn't get. He was alive and well, and breathing beautifully. All 10 lbs 3 oz of him. If his brother did so much damage at a pound smaller, I doubt this one would have been any easier.

What all of this boils down to is that all women are different. Some women labor for 2 hours and suddenly give birth with absolutely no problems. Others labor for 36 hours just to wind up with an emergency c-section because they simply do not have the energy to go on. Many of us fall somewhere in between. If you want to deliver your baby in the comfort of your own home I think you should do that, and you should have the right to do that. But why do you care if I choose not to? Why must you continue to push the no-cesarean way down my throat? Yes, I know what a VBAC is, yes my doctor has offered, no I'm not dumb enough to go for it. Speaking from experience, I prefer the c-section. Don't tell me what is best for me, my body, and my baby. For the love of God, do NOT preach to me about how mother's intuition will guide me through a naturally delivery. My mother's intuition is the very reason my son was born alive. I knew he couldn't handle a vaginal delivery so I didn't waste time trying for it just so I could get what I wanted. It is really nobody's damn business why I chose to have a c-section last time or why I am choosing to have one again this time. I have defended my side here, but I shouldn't have to. If I say that's what I chose, that's that. Let it go. Go home and call all your little "all-natural" friends and talk about what a horrible person and mother I am. That's fine. But you sure as shit better not tell me I made the wrong decision, unless you want to be publicly humiliated. I have never given a single thought to your uterus and what you choose to do with it, so I am only asking that you show me the same respect and keep your nose out of mine.

My Answer to My Own Question

2011-06-28T14:48:00.001-06:00

A few weeks ago I asked readers and friends to answer a question for me. See their response here. Below is my answer to that question.

For yours truly, the most shocking things that happened in pregnancy were the ones that have happened this pregnancy, but didn't show up at all in my 1st two. I assumed with my 1st that all kinds of things would happen that didn't (like peeing constantly and that belly button thing) and I read every possible book and blog on being pregnant so I would be prepared. As it turns out, I just had an easy and uneventful pregnancy. I was stupid enough to believe that's how all subsequent pregnancies would be. My 2nd wasn't too bad either in terms of side effects. He was basically the same as the 1st, except I got fed up a little quicker. Number 3? Well, she is proving at a very early age that she is going to rule this household. She threw the rules out the window months ago. I was sick my 1st trimester, and not the "I feel hungover but I didn't get to drink last night" sick but the "why would Charming Husband poison my food?" kind of sick. My belly button popped, and then went back in; two things I was totally thrown off by. And what is with the peeing? I get this feeling like if I don't get to the bathroom this second I am going to pee so much I flood the office! And then I get to the toilet, and I sort of tinkle, but that's it. If there's nothing in there, why do I get the feeling I am going to need a change of pants? And seriously, what is with the boobs? I would expect the tummy/uterus/crotch areas of the body to do the most changing since that's where baby has decided to set up camp, so why is it that boobs do so much changing? No one told me that I would go from a AA cup to a DD by the time baby got here. It sounds great on paper, but just looking at them makes them either a) hurt like hell or b) leak so they are still pretty much useless until baby is actually on the outside. And how about how when I eat little bits of food find their way into my shirt that is held open by the boobs and then rest somewhere between my shirt and the super cool elastic band of my pants? I also have these strange pains in my um, girly parts, that started with the last baby. I feel what can only be described as a baby jumping on my cervix like it's a trampoline, which makes me think I have to pee, and which made me incorrectly believe I would go into labor all on my own last time. I never went into labor on my own and I never actually had to pee when that happened. It was really just an annoyance. These are the reasons (along with the financial and emotional strain and all that crap) that this little girl is likely to be my last child. Now that I look at it, how crazy does a woman have to be to do all of this more than once? Apparently, really freaking crazy.

The Dark Side of Pregnancy

2011-06-23T15:13:00.000-06:00

Anyone who has had the joy of going through pregnancy knows that will all of the little miracles come some downsides. A few weeks ago I asked readers to answer this question for me: What happened during your pregnancy that made you say "what the eff?? Is this supposed to happen? WHEN did this happen?? This is NOT what I signed up for!"? and the response has been great, and very entertaining. Here are some of the answers I received. I'll post my own revelations in a separate post. I left out the names of those who submitted these answers, just in case they don't want the world to know! The comments in white are my thoughts on each of the, um, side effects.

-When I was overly pregnant with my twinies: we were driving up from Denver and all of the sudden my nipples started leaking this weirdly yellow substance! They wouldn't stop! I was only 4 months along! We were on rabbit ears pass without service. I thought something was wrong! It wasn't. It was totally normal. Unexpected, gross, but normal boobie secretion. Eww. Eww indeed. I got several responses on boobs in general, why do they have to be such a pain in the ass?

- mine was when my belly button popped out, I knew it would happen but I thought it would be gradually.. instead I woke up one morning and it was an out. lol - ya' know what's weirder? I didn't have that the 1st 2 times around, but for some reason, 6 weeks to go with # 3 and Pop! And then it went back in.

- When I was 19 with my first I was shopping with my mom and grandma and I sneezed and peed my pants. My grandma laughed and laughed and told me "welcome to motherhood honey" - LOL! Grandmas have such great and random things to say!

- spidey-smell. I could smell the freezer open across the yard. Then I would puke. The thought actually made me want to puke just now.

- Umm, what the eff? When did my boobs start leaking??? See, reoccurring theme. How about how they hurt like hell and sprout hair? Yeah, no one ever mentioned that.

- nothing is worse than uncontrollable gas! As in, "I'm sitting in my office at work, and yup, just ripped a loud one ... with absolutely no effort or control on my part." Of course, the giggling that leads to a rip, which makes you laugh harder, with further pursuing rips, is the never ending round of pregnant hilarity. And definitely embarrassment I did NOT sign up for! - I really did laugh out loud at this one! And well, you know what happened next.

- Cankles! (where you can't tell where your calves end and ankles start) with my daughter I never got them this time I am 34 weeks and got them like 5 weeks ago! - because pregnancy is already so pretty, let's throw in a few bodily changes that will make us feel worse about ourselves!

- Dark giant nipples(often super sore-but only for my 1st pregnancy) - again with the boobs!

Stretch marks on my ass - or how about everywhere else! One day I had no stretch marks, then the next day Charming Husband says to me "WHY IS THERE RED MARKER ALL OVER YOUR STOMACH???" I'm glad you care, dear, but those are stretch marks. No reason to be alarmed. And no reason to bring them up ever again. Ass. And while we are on the subject, there is no preventing those heinous lines! No creams or lotions will stop them from showing up. They are hereditary; if your mom got 'em, you'll get 'em. Thanks Mom.

Not being able to walk because of a condition called Pubic syphosis (sp) this is when Progesterone is flowing lucritively and makes your hips and pubic bone very "loose" and causes pain-and along with this-a baby sitting so low it felt literally like a bowling ball in my crotch - Um, ouch? This was a brand new condition to me. I've had a some pain in that general region but I don't think it is nearly as bad as what this friend went through, yikes! "Bowling ball in my crotch" can never be a good thing.

I (being a young silly 16 year old) didn't realize your placenta is the after-birth and comes out. I freaked thinking I was losing my badder and would never pee again! Yes I even cried to the docs (once I got to the hospital) saying I will never pee again. Love emotions and how they make you go crazy at times! - I never saw my placenta, with good reason. If I wasn't expecting it, but then I witnessed it, I would have freaked out too! That shit's gross, even when you know it is supposed to come out of you.

-My oldest was 3 weeks late...I thought I had a tumor! I went a full 42 weeks and they finally induced me, broke my water etc. ....Turns out, I had a double lined amniotic bag and nothing was gonna force that baby out. They had me on the largest dose of inducing drugs which really rocked my world, after the water broke. Then he came so fast I ripped from here to there and got about 150 stitches-Ouch! Oh, and the local anesthetic wore off during the stitching and I could feel every needle and thread moment-Ugh....Welcome to Natural birthing in the early 1980's. - Ah yes, the ripping. and the stitches. And the extra long pregnancy. All things I remember dearly. All I can say is, thank God for the epidural!

Daddy's Girls

2011-06-17T11:37:00.002-06:00

I didn't really understand what it meant to be a daddy's girl until I was in my 20s. I never thought of myself as one, but what I've realized in the last seven years or so that it isn't about being spoiled or getting my way, it's about the real grown-up relationship that I have with my dad that makes me a daddy's girl.

I remember the exact moment I finally understood my dad. After years of disagreeing about everything from politics to religion to tattoos, and constantly butting heads, I suddenly understood where he had been coming from. It was the day my oldest son was born. As I held my beautiful newborn boy my dad said to me, "You can never really show your kids how much you love them until they are holding a child of their own". I was so unbelievably in love with my little baby, and I knew there was nothing in the world I wouldn't do for him, and nothing in the world could keep me from doing what was best for him. And I finally got it. As much as I thought my dad was just being a mean old fart when I was in high school, it turns out he was just doing what was best for me and trying to lead me to be a good person, and a good parent. That is a lesson that I have carried with me for the last 5 years. And my own children may hate me when they are 15, but someday they will hold their own child for the 1st time and they will get it.

My dad is no stranger to daughters; just last month my step-mom gave birth to his 5th daughter. I think each of us has a very different relationship with him. We are all very different from each other and our dad has managed to learn how to deal with all of us, and trust me, we are not the easiest of girls to deal with. I could tell stories about my dad and each of his daughters for weeks, but I'm going to share just one more about him and my younger sister who I will refer to as Lou. You see, Lou is not biologically my dad's, but she came bouncing (rather loudly I might add) into our lives 11 years ago, just before her 1st birthday. We call the same man "Dad". He helps her with her homework, he takes care of her, he taught her how to ski and ride a bike. He does all of the things with her that he did with me when I was a kid. Last year, Lou decided that it was time for her to be baptized which really meant a lot to her parents. As my dad was speaking at her baptism, he was choking back tears. My dad is not an overly emotional person. I've only seen him angry a few times, mostly because I caused it (another fact which makes me appreciate him more now). I've seen him cry even fewer times. The fact that he was so emotional and proud of Lou is just a testament to the kind of dad that he is. You don't have to share his genes in order for him to love you like you do.

It takes a very special person to be a daddy, I know because I have 2 of them in my life; my own daddy and my children's daddy. I can't wait to see what our daughter does to Charming Husband. I know that by the end of her 1st day here on earth she will have her daddy wrapped around her tiny little finger, and by the time he walks her down the aisle they will be just as close as me and my daddy are. I can only hope that she figures it all out a little sooner than I did.

Stop The Presses: Sarah Palin Sent an Email!

2011-06-14T19:11:00.001-06:00

Seriously, what the eff is up with all of the coverage of the impending release of emails sent by Sarah Palin? 1st of all, there are actual problems in this country right now, does anyone really give a shit about what the former governor of Alaska sent to her employees? She is the former governor of Alaska. She isn't currently in office, and it isn't like there is a lot going on in Alaska anyway. And is any of this information even important? Unless she was sending emails about embezzling money or sleeping with Dick Cheney (which, lets face it, she may be stupid but she is way too hot for him) I DON'T CARE! In fact, here is a list of things I care more about than Sarah Palin's emails:

Pepsi Next
Post-it pop-up notes
The failed "rapture"
The 2011 Prius
Scientology

I am so tired of political scandals, even the really good ones. We get it, politicians are sleazy liars who just out to better themselves. The only difference between them and the guy down the street is that they are in the spotlight. And Anthony Weiner? The best part of this scandal is that his last name is Weiner. You couldn't make up a better name. I'm not his wife, so the fact that he sent a picture of himself in his boxers is none of my business. I also don't care that he lied about it, for like, a whole week. Clinton's been lying about his own infidelity for 2 decades. Find me a married man that would own up to this immediately, I dare you. I don't even know who Anthony Weiner is. Is he a senator or a congressman? Where is he from? Oh that's right, I don't care. Instead of focusing on the extra-curricular activities of politicians, why don't we try focusing on their voting history, or maybe their successes or failures while in office? Why don't we hold them accountable for ruining our great country instead of holding them accountable for cheating on their wives?

You know what would make a really great and shocking news story? If someone in Washington solved a problem. That, I would tune in for.

Your Participation is Requested

2011-06-02T14:55:00.001-06:00

I asked this question on Facebook today and then I thought to myself, "I should really extend this to the blog world". So here it goes. Use the comment section or email me at rationalmindcrazywoman@gmail.com with your answer to the following question:

What happened during your pregnancy that made you say "what the eff?? Is this supposed to happen? WHEN did this happen?? This is NOT what I signed up for!"?

I am LOVING the answers I am already getting!

I Officially Waddle. Yay For Pregnancy

2011-06-01T09:04:00.000-06:00

I tried very hard in past pregnancies to not succumb to the pregnant lady waddle. At 41 weeks pregnant with Bug I strutted my cute ~~little~~ ass right on into the delivery room. With the little guy I made it to the 37 week mark, 2 weeks before he was born, before my hips gave in. Even then, it was a mild version of the waddle. Today, at 29 weeks or so with baby girl I left the office to go to lunch. And I waddled all the way to my car. My hips hurt. My legs hurt. Everything in between hurts. Wanna know what doesn't hurt? Waddling. I'm there. I'm fat and I waddle and I couldn't be happier about it.

Parenting Fears

2011-05-26T18:17:00.000-06:00

Every parent has fears. I worrying constantly about something terrible happening. I'm afraid I'll lost them, or that they will get hurt, or that they will be sad. I don't want my children to hurt, physically or emotionally, but that is sometimes out of my control. Kids fall, kids don't make the team, kids get their feelings hurt. I know this, and I know I came through it and survived, but it really doesn't make it any easier. But now as a parent, I have many more fears than I ever knew possible. If my child falls, I can pick him back up. If he hurts himself I can give him a bandage and a kiss, if his feelings get hurt, I can love him and make him feel better. These are all things I know how to do.

What if he does the hurting? I was never taught to be mean or to bully. I never saw my parents doing such things. But I wasn't always nice as a kid. I'm sure I said my fair share of mean things to other kids. And I learned that from my peers. Every one wants to fit in and have friends. If the "cool" kids are making fun of someone there will inevitably be at least 1 or 2 kids who follows suit, just so they can be cool too. What if my child becomes one of those? How do you know before hand, before that bullying becomes something worse? It's impossible to know everything that a child does, especially at school. I can control internet and phone use (years from now when they are old enough to use them) and I can monitor what they are doing when they do get to use those things. But how can you know everything your child does at school? It isn't like they are going to come home and tell me about how they made someone cry, no child would admit that to a parent. How can I be sure that the morals we teach and behaviors we demand at home will carry over?

5 high school students in Massachusetts were sentenced for bullying a girl so much that she committed suicide. This story is heartbreaking on so many different levels. And while I think that the students got off really easy with probation and community service, what do you expect from them? Maybe no one taught them how to be bullies but did anyone ever teach them to not be bullies? Did they have parents who thought they were involved in their kids lives? Was this a shock to every one who knew them? I'm sure these were "good" kids. They got good grades, they ate all their vegetables, they cleaned their room. Were their any warning signs that what they were saying online and at school was something that would cause a 15 year-old girl to take her own life? How do you know that your kid isn't someone completely different when they leave your house, as most kids are?

I think these 5 kids acted horribly. What they did certainly calls for some sort of discipline. But it isn't completely their fault. How did the mother of girl who killed herself not know that a) her daughter was so depressed she took her own life and b) that she was having sex, and with someone who was 4 years older than her. Why didn't she ever ask her daughter what was going on with her? And of course, you have to blame the parents of the kids who did the bullying. There MUST be a way of knowing what your high schooler is saying and doing. I admit I don't know what that is yet, but my oldest is only 5. I intend on answering that question before this becomes an issue. Parents MUST teach their children about the consequences of hurting someone physically or emotionally. They MUST be involved in their children's lives and not allow this behavior to even start, let alone get to this level. I think the school needs to accept some of the responsibility as well. I can only do so much from home. If a child is misbehaving or ditching class or bullying other kids at school, at the very least the school needs to notify the parents. I understand that with the way the world is today, parents will flip out if the school disciplines their kids so it is easier to ignore the problem than deal with crazy parents. But why can't you let them know what their child is doing? That will give the parents the opportunity to actually do something about it. Just because the school doesn't acknowledge the problem doesn't mean it is free from liability. How is the bullying problem ever going to be solved if people continue to ignore it and dismiss it and blame it on everybody else? Everyone in this situation needs to step-up and take some responsibility for their actions, or lack there of.

My greatest fear as a parent right now is that I will make a mistake that will allow my child to do something seemingly insignificant that will affect him for the rest of his life. My children are smart, and they are good children. How many of the teenagers in MA started that way? When did their parents stop paying attention? How do I draw the line between being involved and being a helicopter parent? Is there a way to keep my sweet little babies just as they are now?

Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

2011-05-17T17:26:00.000-06:00

1. "You don't even look pregnant!" Ok, 1st of all, at 13 weeks, I shouldn't look pregnant. Maybe you got fat right away but some of us take a little longer. And at 27 weeks, I'm almost 25 lbs heavier, my maternity clothes aren't big enough, and I can't see my feet; I sure as shit better look pregnant. Telling me I don't look pregnant is not in any way a compliment.

2. "You look like you're having twins!" Oh, hey yeah, fuck you. There's just 1 baby. The rest is just water weight and fat.

3. "Enjoy it now, they are so much easier when they are on the inside!" Ya' don't say? It is easier to carry a baby that is physically attached to me than one that lives on the outside? I am SHOCKED by this. And in actuality, I totally disagree. Yes, it is easier for ME to carry baby when it's still snuggled warm inside me sucking every last bit of energy out of me, but once said baby is on the outside OTHER PEOPLE get to carry it. My body gets a break, even if only for 10 minutes. I can sleep in whatever position I want and not worry about cutting off oxygen supply. I can sit in my car and blare Britney Spears as loud as I want and not worry about damaging hearing or brain development. Oh, and maybe you have heard me mention this before, but this is in fact my 3rd baby. I am fully aware of the challenges babies living outside the womb present.

4. "Excuse me, I really have to pee". Oh really? So you also have a tiny fetus jumping on your bladder? No? You just think your more important than everyone else on their way to the bathroom at this very crowded ballpark? My bad. Please, go ahead of me. I'll just tell everyone my water broke.

5. "I think your feet are swollen". Why thank you, Captain Obvious, I had no idea. I mean, my shoes don't fit, it hurts to walk, and any time I wear sandals I get semi-permanent indents where my toes used to be, but I had no clue my feet were swollen. Good thing I have you...

6. "Aren't you a little young to be having a baby?" Aren't you a little old to have an opinion on fertility? Ya' wanna know what is really irresponsible? 27 year-old married women who are successful and financially stable who decide with their husband that they want another baby. I mean really, who do those women think they are??

7. "Can I bum a cigarette?" Oh shoot, just smoked my last one. Sorry. Dumbass. In reality, even if I wasn't pregnant and I did smoke cigarettes (which for the record, I have never done - just about the only thing I've never smoked) I wouldn't give one to the weirdo outside 7-11. As it were, I'm not real big on sharing.

This One's For You

2011-05-08T16:04:00.001-06:00

Motherhood is not something that everyone has. Some choose not to be a mom, others long to be but cannot. Today, as we celebrate Mother's day I think we need to take a moment to remember that all of us who are blessed with being a mom are doing the best we can. We may not do things the right way, we all make mistakes, but we all have one thing in common: We are moms. For some reason we are looked down on, we are treated like lesser beings, we are discriminated against, we are chided, we are belittled, we are are misunderstood, we are under-appreciated. Today, we get to be proud of motherhood. This day is for us.

For every mom who has ever fallen asleep sitting in a rocking chair or army crawled out of a sleeping infant's room so as not to wake him up; this one is for you. For every mom who has sneaked into the nursery 6 times in one night just to see her baby's chest rise and fall with each breath, or who accidentally woke her child while checking on him. For every mom who cried the 1st time they heard their little one say "mama" or secretly wished "dada" wasn't their 1st word. For every mom whose biggest fear is the 1st day of Kindergarten; this one's for you. For every mom who has walked out of the house and forgotten the diaper bag, or worse, the baby, or forgotten the exact time your baby was born, or misplaced the 1st footprints. For every mom who has lost sleep over what sports their kids will play or whether or not their preschooler will be successful; this one's for you. For every mom who can distinguish her own child's cry or even their poopy diaper without having to look. For every mom who secretly thinks that their child is the best, the brightest, the most beautiful. For every mom who needed one more glass of wine to take the edge off after a stressful day; this one's for you. To the working moms and the stay-at-home moms, the step-moms and adoptive moms; this one is for you.

We are worriers, caregivers, providers, and friends. We love, we cherish, we lose sleep. We are the most important person in our children's lives and we rise to the challenge. We are moms, and today we are celebrated. Take the time to say thank you to a mom today, whether it's your own mom or not. Remember that you wouldn't be here if you didn't have a mom who loved you. Happy Mother's Day, to all of the beautiful moms all over the world!

Don't Tell Me How to Feel

2011-05-03T16:13:00.000-06:00

Sunday night was surreal. I received a "Breaking News" email update on my phone that said President Obama would be announcing the death of Osama bid Laden after a decade-long man-hunt. I stared at that email for several minutes before what it said really hit me. Seriously? He is dead? My 1st thought was, "yeah sure he is, prove it" and my 2nd was "so was it natural causes?". I woke up Charming Husband and we turned on the news. It was true, and they had proof. I was happy he was dead. I'll say that again: I was happy that he was dead. I don't know that I've said that about anyone before. Even when Saddam Hussein was hanged I wasn't sure how I felt. I definitely wasn't upset but again it felt surreal, and I was filled with doubt that he had really died. Sunday night was different. I was immediately overcome with relief and emotion, but that was soon replaced by the fear of the unknown. Would his followers retaliate? Would we be in more danger than we were before? Was he really dead? But still, I rejoiced. He could never again murder innocent people.

I expected the reaction of people all over the US to be similar. I couldn't imagine that there were American citizens out there that wouldn't see this accomplishment for what is was. And then I logged on to Facebook. Ah, Facebook you little bitch. Full of the extremist views of people I went to high school with and barely liked then. I can tell you, there are at least 10 people whose statuses are now hidden from me because I am sick and tired of their ridiculous uber-liberal and uneducated-but-think-they-are-educated rants. Maybe waving the flag and chanting USA!USA! isn't your way of showing approval for what happened Sunday. That's fine, in fact, it wasn't mine either. But who are you to tell other people how they should feel? Who are you to tell people that they shouldn't celebrate the death of a terrorist and mass murderer? Do I think it is "unAmerican" that you are disgusted by these people or that bin Laden should have been captured alive and given a fair trial? Why yes, yes I do. Some people don't deserve fair trials. He is one of them. You give up your right to a fair trial when you are the mastermind behind the senseless murder of thousands of innocent people, not just in our country but in your own as well. And if you think this is the 1st time in history that Americans have celebrated the death of a deserving human being (and I use that term lightly) then maybe it's time you pick up a history book. Do you honestly think there wasn't a celebration when Hitler died? Granted, he took his own life, but only because he was minutes away from having it taken from him. The US waited to take out Hitler, had we gone in sooner or put pressure on him to hide away like a coward as we did to bin Laden, maybe 6 million people wouldn't have died. We knew right where he was the whole time and didn't take him out. Do you want THAT blood on your hands? I'd rather have the blood of an evil murderer than that of innocent people any day of the week. The fact of the matter is that some people do not deserve to live. And maybe I am not qualified to decide who falls into the category, but the leaders of this country and the CIA are qualified. They have more information than you could even fathom, so leave the dirty work up to them.

While I disagree with these people, they are entitled to their opinions. I don't get into political arguments with them or any of their lemmings because it isn't worth my time. No matter how I present my case and no matter how many facts I have to back it up, they will never see my point of view. They are so liberal their minds are completely closed. Anyone with a dissenting opinion is wrong, period, end of story. I am outraged by their view of this victory but I can't tell them how to feel. If they want to believe that a fair trial was in order then they can go on feeling that way. But do not dare to tell me it isn't ok to be happy. Do not dare to tell me that it isn't acceptable to be jumping in the streets celebrating and thanking the men and women of the US Military. You do not get to dictate how I feel. You're opinions cost me my freedoms every day. I can't say everything I want to say because someone will be offended. I can't raise my children the way I want because you will report any amount of discipline as child abuse. I can't keep the money I earn because it has to pay for your social programs. But I can feel however I damn well please. You cannot take that away from me.

This Mom's Wish List

2011-04-26T18:55:00.000-06:00

Next Wednesday is my birthday (feel free to send me gifts), so with that holiday and Mother's day coming up I have compiled a list of what I really want, not just things that I could go out and by myself.

1. Mani/pedi. This isn't so much about the purchase of these, I can do that. But what I want is the time to do it, free from phone calls and text messages and annoying people

2. A glass of Savignon Blanc. No amount of wanting will actually make me drink a glass. I'll have 4 next year to make up for this year's dry birthday. I hope this baby appreciates everything I have already given up for her :)

3. A shower, with the door closed. It seems like something small enough, right? But it happens so rarely that it is more of a pipe dream. I leave the door open when I shower before work, just in case. I need to be able to hear the cries of my children who, for the record, have never had any problems while I was in the shower. Better safe than sorry. Or something equally as cheesy.

4. To use the potty, without an audience. Inevitably, someone comes through the door. Usually a very tiny someone, who just wants to come in and say "mama potty" and "no-no potty" while pointing to his little potty on the floor. Really, I appreciate that he isn't ready to say adios to diapers. I however said so 25 years ago so I'm gonna go ahead and use the potty. I guess a properly locking bathroom door would solve this problem as well but that will have to wait until after the basement remodel finally gets finished sometime ~~in the next decade~~ this summer.

5. Fondue. I really really want fondue.

6. A baby girl. Oh wait, I'm already getting that!!

7. A tan. Again, I know this ain't happenin', but I could really use one. You could go blind from staring at my legs too long. Though, it's only a matter of weeks before shaving them becomes completely impossible so I guess it's a matter of what is more offensive; ass-white legs or hairy legs. Wow, pregnancy sure is sexy.

I of course what regular presents too; a new iTouch, a better digital camera, etc. But I can get those whenever, unless of course any of you are feeling generous this year, in which case send me a message and I'll happily send you my address as long as you promise not to stalk me. I know it'll be hard after that description of my legs.

One More Reason I am Putting Off Public School

2011-04-11T11:16:00.000-06:00

Thankfully, I don't live in Chicago (for many reason's really, but this is the front runner). While ~~scanning the pages of Facebook~~ working very hard this morning, I came across this article. To sum it up, some principal at an elementary school in the Chicago Public School District has banned children from bringing homemade lunches to school. Banned them, completely. She'll make an exception for kids with allergies though. How thoughtful of her (which, I am sure violates some sort of non-discrimination bull-shit law because that singles out kids with allergies and that, my friends, is politically incorrect. GASP!). Anyway, elementary school kids are no longer allowed to bring their lunch to school, they are required to buy lunch. My initial thought was, "wow, I betchya the principle just got a raise as a reward for bringing in all that extra revenue!". Required to buy lunch? You're going to have a hell of a time convincing me that is anything other than political. Someone had to have gotten a kickback from the distributor for that deal.

However, this principal is trying to hide her greediness under the guise of promoting healthy eating. Yeah, sure. I totally buy that one. But even if that really is her motivation, how is it even possible that she can get away with banning homemade lunches? 1st and foremost, I get to decide what my children eat, especially what my elementary aged children eat. I make their meals, all of them. I can guarantee that anything I make will be healthier than canned ravioli and stale bread. And you know what, if I want to send my kid with a lunchable one day because I was feeling a little lazy that morning, that is my right. I am the parent, not some dumbass principal with a personal agenda. Promoting healthy eating is always a good thing, and schools can help with that by not offering bad choices. Sodas, chips, candy- those things have no place in the hot lunch line, but if I decide to send my kid a little treat then it means I know he deserved it. If parents don't care about their kids heath and weight, I am sorry but that is their damn problem. I am sick and fucking tired of my kids suffering because some parents should never have become such in the 1st place.

Which brings me to my next point. Parents who care enough about what their kids are eating to pack their lunches in the morning care enough to give them healthy food. Parents don't pack crappy food for their kids, because at that point it would just be easier to give them a couple bucks to buy lunch. I don't know a whole lot of 2nd graders who pack their own lunches. And really, how healthy can the school lunches be? Everything is processed, and processed again. Why is it healthier for my child to eat fruit out of a can then for me to send him with fresh fruit? I see absolutely no logic in that.

I hear day in and day out about how parents aren't taking any responsibility for their kids anymore. They aren't involved enough, they don't hold their children accountable, they aren't disciplining their children; how exactly are we supposed to do any of that if we are continually told what our children can and cannot do? How are we supposed to discipline our children when strangers in the grocery store threaten to call child services for doing just that? How are we supposed to hold our children accountable when the education they deserve is being ripped out from underneath them? How are we supposed to teach our children to make healthy food choices when they aren't allowed to make those choices at school? If you want me to be the parent then back the fuck off me. I do a damn good job without any government mandates guiding me. Teachers and administrators need to focus on educating my children; I will handle the rest. And really, teachers aren't even doing that successfully, so why on earth would you think I have any faith in your "healthy" school lunches? Do the job you were hired to do, and let me do the job that I chose to do.

"Helpful" Advice That You Can Shove Up Your Ass

2011-02-16T11:29:00.001-07:00

I've never liked unsolicited advice, about anything. I am perfectly happy with making mistakes and learning from them; I don't need anyone to warn me of the outcome. When I was 17 and dancing I was a very healthy 135 lbs. I was only a size 4 and I guess I looked like I weighed much less, but 135 is an awesome weight, and if I told people today that was my goal they wouldn't think twice about it. But I guess somehow I was too skinny back then. I had people tell me constantly I was too skinny and I should eat more. Really? Because I just ate an entire medium pizza on my own and I'm considering breadsticks still. I have absolutely no patience for people who think they know better than me simply because they are older than me. My life is different than yours; I am different than you. So it should come as no surprise that the ever-helpful parenting advice really drives me up a wall. In fact, some of the things I hear are so far from what I would ever consider common sense that I really have to hold back from saying how pathetically stupid the advice-givers are!

Right now, I am pregnant with my 3rd, my THIRD child. I'm not sure why you don't get this, but this isn't my 1st go round. This may shock you even more, but I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING! I don't need you to tell me what to expect with delivery (I'm having a c-section thankyouverymuch) and I sure as hell don't need your opinion on c-sections. Again, this is my 3rd chance at childbirth. I've had one each possible way and I know what I prefer so keep your "wisdom" to yourself. I also don't need anyone to tell me that I'm really going to have my hands full, or I'll never sleep again, or 3 is so much different than 2. Really? You mean this one isn't going to come out sleeping 12 hours a night? Are you telling me I only have 2 hands but will now have 3 children's hands to hold? You can't possibly mean that a 3rd child is going to change our family dynamic? I am shocked at this information! Thank GOD you are here to enlighten me, now that it's too late to change my mind about having another baby. I actually considered all of those things BEFORE I got pregnant again because on top of this being my 3rd baby, I am also not a fucking moron.

Did you all know that there is a 50/50 chance that this baby could be another boy? Because that, my friends, was news to me. I was sure there was some law of physics that proclaimed that after 2 boys the 3rd one HAD to be a girl so silly me, I painted the room pink and covered everything in purple polka dots! But really, I have totally convinced myself that this is another boy. If I am wrong, cool, I get to have a little girl, if I'm right, cool, I love my boys so one more will just be more fun! And you know what, no matter what things were like 40 years ago when you had your last kid, they actually can tell you with 100% certainty what sex your baby is. So once they give me the all clear, I can buy little ruffly dresses and take the tags off without fear that I'll wind up with a closet full of clothes that my baby boy can't wear. And to those of you who "hate when people find out what they are having". Um, yeah, shove it. If you don't want to know what you are having than don't find out. I, however, want to know so I will find out. That bullshit about how wonderful the surprise is when the baby is born? Guess what, the whole damn thing is a surprise. What's the draw of having one more thing that you didn't know thrown at you? I don't know how big baby is going to be, I don't know what the apgar score will be, I don't even know for sure if baby will cry right away which will scare the crap out of me! So how about I have all of the information that is possible so that they are as few "surprises" as possible.

I'm sure most of you know this, but to get to the delivery of a baby you have to go through this phenomenon called "pregnancy". If there were some way around that I would share it but as of now that's the only way (to deliver your own baby. Obviously there is adoption but I know nothing about that so I'm not going there). So again, this is my 3rd pregnancy so I'm getting pretty good at this too. Maybe you were only allowed to gain 15 lbs but I'm happy with the 35 (or so) that I gained. And if I hear one more person who has never had kids tell me that losing weight at the beginning is bad (which it isn't, it's actually really common) I'm going to lose it. I don't need anyone but my doctor to tell me what my weight should be. I'm pretty unconcerned that I have lost 3 lbs. I lost 8 last time at that kid ended up being over 10 lbs when he was born so...I'm betting I'll be ok.

And I could write for DAYS about people telling me what to do once baby gets here! Seriously, I don't need 55 year-old men telling me that my baby needs to eat. 1st of all, I'm guessing you've never had an infant suck milk out of your boob so you have zero idea what the whole breast-feeding thing is about. You also don't know that I fed him in the car before we came inside, and you clearly don't realize that babies don't need to eat constantly. I'm guessing you are also unaware of the fact that babies actually cry for reasons other than hunger. It could be that they are tired, or maybe they crapped their pants (in which case all-knowing sir, the diaper bag is by the stairs. Have at it.), or maybe they just need to suck on something, or maybe just maybe, not a damn thing is wrong and they just want to cry because so far it's all their little body knows how to do! I'm not going to starve my children. You haven't cared for an infant since the cold war. Why don't you just leave this one up to me?

So the moral of this story? Keep your "advice" to yourself. No one appreciates it, and if you happen to try and shove it down MY throat you'll get an earful you are not prepared to handle.

Middle of Nothing

2011-02-08T09:26:00.000-07:00

I have always considered myself to be a "middle" person. Growing up I was the middle child, middle class, middle of the alphabet - you get the picture. As I've gotten older that "middle" syndrome has continued. When it comes to politics and religion and life in general I am still very much in the middle, however it is getting harder and harder to stay that way. I haven't changed, my views haven't changed, but the world is trying to squash the middle out of me and make me choose sides. And quite frankly I don't want to!

Most people I know fall into the middle class, but somehow the middle class is rapidly disappearing. We get strapped with the most taxes, we don't qualify for assistance of any kind even though we mostly live paycheck to paycheck, and we aren't represented anywhere. No one cares what happens to us here in the middle.

I find this to be most prevalent in politics. There are issues where I tend to agree with one side, but rarely am I completely, 100% one way or the other. I truly believe there can be a middle ground to all issues. Currently the issue pissing me off the most is abortion. I've always considered myself pro-choice but as more and more information comes out about shady doctors and malpractice it's really hard to align myself with that movement. But the super crazy pro-choice activists make it nearly impossible to agree with them. I think before 13 weeks abortions should be legal for whatever reason, and possibly up to 20 weeks. I think women should have the right to terminate a pregnancy when either the mother's life is in danger or the baby has life threatening complications. I don't think it's ok to terminate a pregnancy at 38 weeks, for any reason at all. There is nothing you find out at 38 weeks that you couldn't have known at 20 weeks. You shouldn't be able to change your mind in your 3rd trimester, because even though your boyfriend told he loved you and he pinky promised he would be there for you he left anyway. If a baby can survive outside of its mother body (which I think is around the 28 week mark but I could be wrong) I really don't support terminating it. I am still pro-choice. I still believe there are benefits and it needs to be a viable option. But I can't support either side. I can't support taking away all abortion rights like Republicans want, but I sure as shit can't support partial birth abortions because a 30 year old woman suddenly realized at 7 months pregnant that she wasn't ready for it. I also can't support tax dollars paying for each and every abortion. I support my tax dollars being used to educate about safe sex, but if you can't pay attention or be bothered to go to Planned Parenthood and pick up a bag of FREE condoms, I shouldn't have to pay to correct your mistake. If insurance companies want to cover it they should be allowed to, they should also be allowed to not cover it. If you buy your own insurance rather than having group insurance they don't cover maternity care so why the hell would they have to cover abortions?

The other aspect of the pro-choice movement that I cannot ever support is that there are people out there who actually think that all unplanned pregnancies should be terminated. I have had several people, some pretty close to me, actually ask me why I kept my 1st child and didn't have an abortion even though I was only 21 and not married. My response to those buffoons? "It never occurred to me." I've never been on welfare, I've never asked for help, and I've never been a single parent. Maybe Charming Husband and I weren't married at the time, but we weren't any less committed to each other and our family than we are now. Unplanned and unwanted are two very different things. Just because I have never sat down and planned the exact day I wanted to get pregnant doesn't mean that my children are accidents or that I love them any less. I don't plan what I'm going to eat for dinner, but I still eat dinner every night. Abortion is an option, but it isn't the only option. Not even close.

I am frustrated with this all or nothing mentality. I'm not fighting against either side yet I feel like I can't choose one side to be on. I think what's on the books already is perfectly acceptable, we don't any more or any less legislation. It's not even worth having an opinion anymore because I am going to have people from both sides yelling at me because I don't agree wholeheartedly with their view. I just want to be allowed to be smack dab in the middle, where I have always felt that I belong.

*Side note: This is not an open forum to bash me on my opinions. I know a lot of my readers are against abortion and I respect their opinions. I will tolerate any hateful comments or comments that attack me and my point of view. You are welcome to disagree, just do it respectfully.

I Would be a Millionaire if I Could Sell Cajones

2011-01-31T09:47:00.000-07:00

Rush Limbaugh is in the news today. Again. Apparently he has offended someone, and I for one am shocked at that. No, not really. Limbaugh is offensive. Everything he says and does offends somebody, somewhere. Rather than getting all huffy and pissed off every time he does it, here's an idea; STOP LISTENING TO HIM! I'm certain he has said something in the past that somehow relates to me (dumb blondes, young moms, women in general) but you know what? I've never heard it so I don't care. And even if I did hear him say something offensive towards me, I wouldn't take it personally. He is a shock jock, he says things simply to get a rise out of people and stir up controversy. And by people paying gobs of attention to him because they were his most recent "victims", his stock goes up. He gets more airtime, more money, more fame. And who cares what he says anyway? There are people that agree with him and you know what? Those people are entitled to their own opinions. But if you don't agree with him then ignore him. It's really just that easy.

I am so tired of people playing the "poor me" card. It's stupid to get bent out of shape because of what someone who has never met you says about a general population of people. It isn't like he picks out a specific unknown citizen and makes fun of them. He makes broad generalizations, most of which people with an average sized brain can see through. If he were to say "AnnieD is stupid and her blog sucks" I might be a little irritated, but then of course my traffic would increase by 2000% and I'd wind up having to thank him. People need to stop taking everything so personally. Instead of talking about how hurt your feelings are and how insensitive and racist Rush Limbaugh is, why don't you grow a pair of balls and tell him to fuck off? The uber liberals in this country seem to be lacking in cajones in general, maybe they need to find a way to get them back. Fight fire with fire. Or better yet, ignore him and watch him fume over the lack of attention. Either way, don't let him or anyone else you disagree with control your reactions. Quit caring about what 1 person's opinion is and focus on what you know is true.

Somebody Needs to Start Giving a Shit About Education

2011-01-27T13:32:00.001-07:00

We get a letter yesterday informing us that Bug had been accepted to the Advanced Kindergarten Program in our school district. We have been waiting on pins and needles to get that letter and we are so proud that he made it. We knew he would, of course, because we know he is brilliant. And he didn't just make the program, he scored a 91/99 - we clearly aren't the only people who think he is brilliant. Here is the problem; he didn't get into the school we chose (which happens to be the only school in the district that is even decent) so we have to pick a different school that has the program. Well, as it turns out, there are only a handful with openings and there is no way in fucking hell I am sending my child to one of these "schools". How does DPS get away with such awful schools? There are only 2 schools in the district that have ever performed well on the tests, one is in the wealthiest neighborhoods in all of Colorado which we do not live in. The other is the school we wanted Bug to get into. This school is specifically for Gifted and Talented students and sits in a somewhat sketchy area of town, but it is right near my office and it's a great school. Well we don't live in that neighborhood either, because, well, we have jobs and don't live off welfare. So since we are neither billionaires or degenerates our children's choices for schools range from "no way in hell" to "we might as well just move". Where are the schools for average families? Why don't my kids deserve an education? I'm taxed just as much yet I have no control over the fact that my kids get looked over for every option. I am absolutely sick over this. Why don't my kids deserve a proper education? Why does a city with over 100 schools only have 2 that even remotely acceptable? Why the fuck doesn't anyone care about educating the future of this country??? I shouldn't have to move to get my kids into a decent school district.

You want to know why other countries are out performing us Mr. Obama? Because they give a shit about their kids. They don't waste BILLIONS of dollars bailing out banks who failed because they didn't know how to run a damn business. Those countries don't waste billions of dollars more caring for and protecting people who aren't even citizens of their country. If you want this country to be the best, then make it the best. Quit talking about it and making promises that you never intend to follow through on. Fucking do something. You can't allow 97% of the schools in one district to fail their tests every year and not hold someone accountable. One school in our district has fired more than half of its teachers and is hiring members of the community who want to be teachers, and will give them on the job training. Are you kidding me? This is where the future of education is heading? It's unacceptable, and I am sick of sitting around letting some uneducated little bitch at the school district answer my emails (because she doesn't know how to answer her phone) with 2 word sentences. I want my kids to succeed and I don't want to know any mom that doesn't feel the same way. I don't have 10 years to wait for a change, I have 8 months. 8 months until I send my oldest child off to school to hopefully learn something and not forget everything he already knows. I hope you are listening Washington, because if there are no improvements come August, you can take that last little shred of support I have for you and shove it up your ass.

I Was Under the Impression That Christmas Was Over

2011-01-24T10:41:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is January 25th, and by my calculations, that means that Christmas was a month ago. So why, pray tell, do people still have their damn Christmas lights up?? I actually saw a house last night that still had a decorated Christmas tree in the living room! Isn't all of the joy and tinsel for the whole the month of December obnoxious enough? Why must you people continue to shove happiness and cheer down our throats? I understand being lazy, really I do. But even the laziest of the lazy people (ahem, me) got the decorations down and the Christmas tree chopped for firewood by the 1st week of January. It is time to get out the ladder and take down the outside lights. You aren't prolonging Christmas, you are making your neighbors (ahem, me) hate you. And if you really are so lazy that you just haven't taken them down, why the hell do you insist on turning them on every night? Your just wasting electricity and THAT is irresponsible, especially when live in such an eco-friendly hippie neighborhood. I'm surprised no one has given you a lecture about carbon emissions and the size of your footprint. The holiday's are fine for a short period of time, but now I would like to forget about them until Thanksgiving. I think that's my right as an American.

So...2011 Sucks So Far

2011-01-17T14:32:00.000-07:00

2011 is barely under way and I really wish everything could go back to the way it was on December 31. 2010. I know that isn't possible, so I am embracing the new life changes we've been ~~bombarded~~ blessed with, but I don't want to. Although, I felt like crap that day thanks to this baby-making thing so I could do without that.

The year started out like a pretty standard new year. I had my 1st prenatal check up (which was an absolute clusterfuck because the idiot who made my appointment somehow mistook "prenatal" for "annual exam" and they had to squeeze in my viability ultrasound between several other appointments...but I digress). Everything there was fine, baby is right where we thought it was (and yes, I call baby "it". Lay off me.) and has a heartbeat and all that good stuff.

3 days later was a hard day for my family. Bug, my oldest, had been peeing constantly and even wetting his bed for the 1st time in 3 years. I was immediately concerned, and I had a pretty good idea as to what it was. Daddy took him to see his doctor Friday and my suspicions were confirmed; Bug has diabetes. I was good, I was hanging in there, I was cool as a cucumber. And then Bug wanted to talk to me. He needed his Mama. As soon as he came on the phone I lost it. He was so scared and so sad, and all he could muster to say was that he couldn't eat anymore sugar. Trying to tell a 4-year-old over the phone that everything is going to be ok is not an easy feat. I left work and joined them for the remaining doctors appointments that day. The last week has been a whirlwind, with blood-sugar testing and insulin injections and doctor's appointments. My 4-year-old has proven to be much more stable than his mother, because he is handling this better than anyone could have expected. I, on the other hand, cry like a baby anytime anyone asks me how we're doing.

We're doing ok, as ok as I can expect us to be doing. Someday we will be fine and someday after that we will be great. But today? Today we are just ok. I could really use a ~~bottle~~ glass of wine right now, but since that is bad for the baby or whatever, I guess I'll just stick to club soda and lime and pretend it's a cocktail.

Hormones Can Go to Hell

2011-01-10T17:11:00.002-07:00

Pregnancy and I don't always get along. The fact that I am doing this for a 3rd time is actually sort of a miracle. Ya know, other than that "it's worth it in the end" crap. Trust me, I love my children more than anything in the world but I would be lying if I said I loved every minute of getting them here. I have my moments where I realize how amazing and beautiful it all is, but those moments, especially early on, are clouded by nausea and vomiting and uncontrollable mood swings. And according to a lot of the people around me I'm actually not that bad of a pregnant woman. But when I'm bad, I really, really bad.

For instance, last week we made homemade pizza for dinner. I had rolled my crust really thin and as I went to put it in the oven the back half slid off the pizza stone and down into the bottom of the oven. I would normally be annoyed, mostly with myself, but I would huff a little and pick the pizza back off and put it on the stone. Yeah, normal waved bye-bye about 9 weeks ago. Instead of reacted in an understandable manner, I flipped.my.shit. After I screamed at the pizza, I screamed at the oven. Then of course I cursed our home because clearly it was at fault. I was outraged that my dinner was partially damaged. When I finally got everything under control, I kicked the oven door closed. I showed her who was boss, damnit. Charming Husband, who had the pleasure of witnessing this rampage, stared at me like I had 2 heads to which I gently responded, "quit fucking looking at me like that!!!" I'm pretty sure when I left the room he and Bug exchanged, "wow Mom is crazy" looks.

The funny thing, and by funny I mean outrageous, is that the whole time I was yelling, I knew I was being completely ridiculous. I knew that I was completely irrational but I just couldn't stop. I kept telling myself, "Shut-up you psychopath! It's just pizza! And it isn't like you can eat the whole thing anyway!" Seriously, why couldn't I stop? Each pregnancy brings a new phenomena that I can't seem to control. I'm pretty sure this is God's way of telling me I probably shouldn't have anymore kids, because I am getting progressively worse each time. Ok, God, I get the point. You can stop proving it.

Welp, I'm Ready for Summer!

2010-12-30T10:49:00.000-07:00

This winter has to be the warmest winter I remember since moving to Colorado 20 years ago. Today is the 1st snow I have seen all season. Apparently the weather man missed the mark and thought New Year's Eve would be better with snow instead of Christmas Eve. He was wrong, again. It has been snowing now for 45 minutes and I'm pretty much over it. I hate being cold, and snow is pretty much useless to me. I don't ski or snowboard or do any other outdoor winter activity so snow is just a nuisance. And it's cold. The only time snow is cool is when there is 6 feet of it and everything shuts down and you can't go into work because the snow plows can't even get through and you have to stay inside and drink beer and play board games and make out. That is a fun snow storm! Having just enough snow that you have to get out the boots and shovel, but you can still get to work/school/swim lessons is not fun. And it's dangerous to be out on the roads when it's like this. Surprisingly, people in Colorado who drive in the snow all the time are terrible at it! It's like they've never seen it before every.damn.time.

Thankfully I have nothing to do today but sit inside and complain so I don't have to actually face the snow but just seeing it out my dining room window makes me cold and pissed off. I'm ready for the warm weather again, and I am officially accepting trips to Mexico as late Christmas gifts.

Oh Joy.

2010-12-20T10:31:00.000-07:00

The holidays are stressful, everybody knows that. From mid-November to the end of the year everyone is on edge trying to make plans and enjoy their holidays without offending anyone or pissing anyone off. We are no different. We are constantly pulled in a million different directions by the mass amounts of family we have nearby, and not one of those directions is where we'd prefer to go. There is lots of complaining, tons of whining, and several tears. And that's not including the kids. But then Christmas morning comes and the boys see that Mama didn't really call Santa to report their bad behavior and he did in fact bring them gifts, and it's all worth it, right? And then of course New Years comes and the grown-ups get to drink copious amounts of Champagne and forget about the Christmas turmoil, right?

Yeah...not so much.

This year is a little different. Maybe it's the tiny fetus I'm harboring in my uterus. Or maybe it's the fact both of my little boys have had tummy problems, lots of which wound up on me. It could possibly be because I woke up this morning with freaking pink-eye to go along with the head cold I've had for 3 days now. Whatever it is, I'm not so much in the mood for cheer and joy and good tidings and crap. And I really don't have the patience for pretending right now. I don't really feel like spending a whole lot of quality time with anyone other than my husband and kids. For the most part, I do still like them. But everyone else? I'd rather not. Because you know what goes really well with psychotic in-laws and over-bearing families? Puke. oh, and pink-eye. Those really add to the ~~spectical~~ fun that is the holidays around here. And I might still call Santa and tell him it's a no-go. It's just one of those days.

I Guess That's That

2010-12-09T12:38:00.000-07:00

Remember a little while back when I posted this about how I wasn't sure if I wanted to have another baby or when I wanted to have another baby and how I wanted someone else to tell me what to do? Well, now I know for sure, which is good, because I don't really have another choice. You can all expect another little bundle of joy from me, arriving in early August of 2011. Yes friends, BabyD Thrice is on the way! It would be nice to add a little girl to this growing clan, so if all of you could do me a favor and "think pink" for the next few months I would greatly appreciate it. Of course, if it turns out we've got another boy on our hands that would be great too because we do have amazing and beautiful boys, but I worry that I might drown in the testosterone tank if we have another boy. So do what you can people, and send pink, or purple, thoughts in my direction!

I Shouldn't Be Allowed to Grocery Shop

2010-11-27T10:24:00.001-07:00

Here's the thing: I don't do the grocery store. Me and the grocery store do not get along. I never get everything I intended to get even when I make a list, I always get something I definitely didn't need, and I usually end of pissed off.

One of 2 scenarios is inevitable. I always go hungry. Even if I'm not hungry when I get to the store, I sure as hell will be hungry as soon as I walk past the deli. And we all know that you are not supposed to go to the store hungry. This is how I wind up with stoner food, every.damn.time.

The other possibility is that everyone and their goddamn mother is at the stupid grocery store because there is some big thing going on, like say, the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving. I wound up at the store that night because I ~~am an idiot~~ decided to contribute to Thursday's big meal. The store I went to sucks a normal day because they never have what you need and if they do it isn't where you think it should be. Wednesday night was off the charts. The amount of people there was unreal, and all of them oh-so courteous. After wandering around the store for an hour and walking up and down the same aisle 6 times, I finally made it to the check-out where I was cut in line and then chewed out by a very large pissed off woman. I made it out of the store alive, with a gallon of milk, French's Fried Onions, Nilla Wafers, and a bag of potato chips. What I didn't have was everything else I needed to make the 2 dishes I had gone in for. Which, of course, meant there would be a round 2 at a different grocery store that night. Go me.

Oh, and those potato chips? Disgusting. That's what I get for buying Lays.

Thankfulness, or Something Like That

2010-11-24T11:19:00.001-07:00

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am going to play along and give you all my "What I am Thankful For" crap. There is nothing I hate more on Thanksgiving than having to go around the table and tell everyone what I'm thankful for. 1st of all, it's pretty obvious that I'm thankful for my beautiful kids, great job, handsome husband, blah, blah, blah. I've never come up with anything more exciting and I'm never going to. 2nd of all, I couldn't give a rats ass about what everyone else is thankful for. Unless of course they are thankful for me, and my stunning beauty and winning personality, in which case, thank away. So I am telling all you here about what I am REALLY thankful for this year.

Not traveling: Um, duh. We were going to go to MN to see my husband's dad and fam but we decided to go to Costa Rica with them in March instead. Costa Rica in March or MN in the dead of winter? It was a tough call but I think we made the right decision. Although, I would love to have Thanksgiving dinner with them, I just can't bear the thought of it being 12 degrees outside. But most importantly? The thought of dealing with all of the other idiot travelers this holiday makes me stabby. And if I got stuck behind one of those assholes boycotting the screening process of the TSA I'd throw a 26-year-old sized hissy fit. And that, my friends, is not pretty. I have a whole rant on the TSA boycott topic too, but since this is a Thanksgiving post, I'll save that rant for another day.

No Black Friday for Moi: Again, duh. I do not, DO NOT, shop on Black Friday. I hate the mall on a normal shopping day, I hate people, I hate bargain shopping, and I am the opposite of a morning person. Nothing about Black Friday is appealing. And most of the stores are having equally as wonderful deals online, which is a much better option for me. I get to spend ridiculous amounts of money and crap I don't need, whilst avoiding the general, and psychotic, public. And all from the comfort of my ~~underwear~~ own home. Win-win.

Pumpkin Soup: My best friend's dad is an amazing chef, and he makes an unbelievable pumpkin soup. I've been craving it since last Thanksgiving and word on the street is he is making again this year. I always make an appearance at their house, but this year I might just sneak in, steal the soup, and be on my way. Mmmm soup.

Dinner with my family: This year, we aren't doing the tour. We are popping in at my best friend's house (for the aforementioned soup) which is blocks from my dad's house, and we might do dessert at another family member's house, but that.is.it. We are not going to every single parent's house. We have a lot of parents, and most of them are here, and all of them always want to see us on every holiday. But this year I we decided to have a stress-free holiday season, so we are only guarantying our presence at 1 home, and that home just happens to be the one I grew up in. There is no stress, no expectations, no fake "happy you showed up" hugs. It is full of love, good food, happy people, and wine.

and MOST importantly...
All of you who continue to show up and read my blog, even when ~~I completely forget that it exists and~~ I don't post for weeks on end. Much love to you guys!! HAPPY TURKEY DAY!

Things That Bug Me: Episode One

2010-11-08T21:51:00.000-07:00

I realized today that I am easily bugged by a lot of things. Ok, that's a lie. I've known this for most of my life, but now I have a forum to complain about the things that bug me so I'm going to share them with all of you. So here is what's bugging me today: married couples who share a Facebook page. Seriously? You can't be yourself or be without your spouse even on Facebook? I'm guessing this is a way for married women to get their husbands on FB, because I have a hard time picturing some guy saying how great it would be to comment on his buddy's bachelor party pics as "Carrie n Craig Wilson". Why don't you just create your own page? It takes 2 minutes. I'm sure you can stop holding hands and saying I love you long enough to sign up for a separate account. The only thing more annoying than those couples are the ones who do joint bachelor/bachelorette parties. Those people super suck. I'm not friends with any of those people because I feel like they would be offended when I kicked them in the knee for being too shmoopy. Shmoopiness is for babies and puppies, not grown men and women.

That's all for now. Daylight savings is kicking my ass and I need to go to bed.

Ahhh, the Days Before Children

2010-11-06T23:58:00.000-06:00

I love my kids, and anyone who has been around here for more than 30 seconds knows that, but boy are there some days where I miss the child-free life. There are somethings that I have realized over the last 4 and half years that I really took for granted; things that are not all that obvious and are certainly unexpected. I'm sure some mom, somewhere, has realized this before, so it would've been nice for a little heads up. Thanks for nothing.

I'm not talking about the "duh" stuff, like how sometimes I miss being able to go out and get shitty and not worry about having to perform motherly duties with a wicked hangover, or being able to splurge on a Coach bag instead of buying diapers and food and crap. No, I'm talking about simple things that I really never knew would go bye-bye. I dream of a child-free (dare I include husband-free) ~~vacation~~ ~~night at a hotel~~ 2 hours to myself so that I can once again pee in private, or shower with the door closed and have not one single interruption, or change a tampon without a damn audience. Seriously, is it just boys or are all children obsessed with what Mommy is doing in the bathroom? I really don't ask for much, just a few minutes a day to do my business and do it alone. Is that so much to ask?

And to all those moms before me, when you were giving me all your "seasoned mom" completely useless advice when I was pregnant with Bug, why couldn't you have included something like, "be sure to have bathroom with a door that locks properly" in your repertoire? Or perhaps a tidbit about how little boys are amazed that you sit down to pee. Something that could have actually prepared for motherhood. Really, thanks for nothing! And boys, knock first! Unless you want an anatomy lessen that you are way too young for.

OMG It's Been 2 Whole Years!!!

2010-10-29T10:51:00.000-06:00

October 14, 2008 was the very first time I posted on my blog. I cannot believe it has been that long! For all of you who continue to come back after I have said something that offended you, I say THANK YOU!! Here is that 1st blog. I'd say I've changed as a writer, but I still really love this post :) I wish I was more on top of things and could've posted this on the 14th, but alas, I am not on top of things, so it's a little late. Deal with it.

Is It Just Me or is This Getting Boring?

2010-10-21T11:16:00.000-06:00

So this 30 Days of Truth thing is getting kinda boring. I feel like the topics should be deeper, maybe riskier, or possibly have more secretive answers. For instance, this week's topic is "Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted." Really? Don't we all have a friend that we used to be really close to and now we don't talk much? Isn't that what happened to all of our high school friends? I do have one friend in particular that I was thinking of, and I see him every once in a while, but for me, my relationships with my male friends changed dramatically when I met my husband. Maybe that's a bad thing, but his relationships completely disappeared with his female friends so it seems normal to me. And while I miss this friend from time to time, our lifestyles just to fit together anymore, so it's probably for the best.

But wouldn't this topic have been more interesting if was about, say, a friend that you hooked up with but probably shouldn't have and it ruined your friendship and all of your other friends hated you for it? It's been a long-ass time since such a thing has happened, but I'm sure I could've dug up a good story for that one!

I've Left Forever!!

2010-10-15T10:31:00.002-06:00

Ok, not really. But I AM featured on another blog today, woohoo! The fabulous Jessica at It Rocks 2B Mom interviewed me with some great questions, and I of course gave pretty amazing answers. Go check it all out over at her blog here and check out her awesome blog while you're there!

I almost forgot! Today is also Friday, which means it's time for some blog stalking! And guess what? I am CB's Slut of the Week!!! GO ME!!! It's because I'm awesome, but you all already knew that. So get over there and add your blog to the list, if you think you can handle it. But, BUT, there are rules, andif you aren't prepared to follow them you should not link up, cuz thatCB is one crazy bitch and she will out you to everyone! You have to bebadass; read: no sunshine and rainbows mommy blogs. Sorry. Foul-mouth,dirty minded, naughty blogs are what this blog stalk is about. Go readher rules, and if you think you can qualify, link up. And be sure totell her who sent you ;)

oh. and PASSCODE: Purple monkey balls

30 Days of Truth: Here's To You, Jackass!

2010-10-12T14:45:00.000-06:00

This week's 30 Days of Truth topic is "Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit". I had someone else planned for this topic, but lucky for her somebody seriously screwed with me this weekend so she is off the list. This award goes to the complete asshole who broke into our car this weekend and cleaned us out.

We were visiting a friend who lives nearby. I hadn't planned on staying long, but we ended up being there for a couple of hours, as usual. We walked outside at about 8:15, just in time to get the boys home and in bed. As I was unlocking the door, I noticed that the passenger window was missing, and I'm pretty sure it was there when we drove over. I was confused, and then it hit me; some jackass had smashed the window. It didn't seem like a lot was missing at first because the satellite radio was still there in plain sight, as it turns out, that's about the only thing they left. They took my purse. MY PURSE! I feel so violated. They got the small bit of cash that I happened to have, I had to cancel all of my credit cards, and we have to put a fraud alert on all 4 of our SSNs because we are pretty sure the papers they stole from the car had that info. They took everything we had in there. I no longer have the video of the Little Guys 1st birthday, and I can't get that back. They even stole a piece of paper from Bug's school, that had absolutely no information on it. Why the hell did they need that? Oh, and they got every last bit of my makeup because it was in my purse. So I'm living make-up free until our accounts are unfrozen and I can go buy more. You know what else I have to buy? Baby shoes, because this stupid fucker was so self-righteous that he stole shoes from a 1-year-old. What is wrong with people? I work my ass off every day. I work full-time and I'm a full-time student, not to mention my other full-time jobs as mother and wife, and some degenerate can just walk by MY car that I paid for, break MY window that I now have to replace, and steal MY things that I earned? How is that fair? How do these things keep happening? Oh, I know, because cops like the one we called say, "Well, sucks to be you" and drive off without taking any information. Criminals get away with this kind of shit, so why would they stop?

Bug was so scared, and I know I only exasperated that by ~~losing my shit~~ getting upset. He wouldn't leave my side for the rest of the night. We had to take a cab home, and I hope I never have to put my kids in a stinky, dirty cab ever again. They are fine for me when I'm wasted, but it didn't help Bug that he had to be out of his comfort zone. I could pummel that piece of shit in the face for scaring my child like that. I don't know who I am more angry with, the selfish bastard who I hope cut his hand open at the very least, the jackass cop who doesn't care about the people who pay his salary, or us, because we decided to live in the stupid city. I've wanted to move away for a while now; this might've just sealed the deal.

Blog Stalk Friday Bitches!

2010-10-08T11:26:00.002-06:00

If you've been around here for a while you know that Friday is the day that skank CB hosts Blog Stalk Friday. If you're new here, then you definitely need to go check it out. Now!

Here's the deal, if I send the most linkers over to her site today, I could win the coveted "Slut of the Week" title next week. So help a girl out and get over there and link up. But, BUT, there are rules, and if you aren't prepared to follow them you should not link up, cuz that CB is one crazy bitch and she will out you to everyone! You have to be badass; read: no sunshine and rainbows mommy blog crap. Foul-mouth, dirty minded, naughty blogs are what this blog stalk is about. Go read her rules, and if you think you can qualify, link up. And be sure to tell her who sent you ;)

I Live For Them

2010-10-05T10:02:00.001-06:00

Today's 30 Days of Truths topic is "Someone who has made your life worth living for". The thing about these topics is that after a while you can anticipate what the answers will be. It is no secret that I am a mom, and what mom doesn't think that her kids are the reason she wakes up every day? I never knew how incredible life was until I created it. I look at my children's faces every day and think, "I don't want to live a single day without you". My kids drive me to live too. I want to provide for them, and I want them to enjoy their lives. I'm not just standing here, pressing forward each day because of them. I am living my life to its fullest because of them. I want to show them that it is ok to really live your life and enjoy every minute of it. And someday they will pass that along to their kids. Someday when they are holding their 1st born child they realize how much I love them and how they made my life worth living for.

I'll Be the Parent, Thank You Very Much

2010-10-01T11:23:00.000-06:00

I was reading this blog post today about how rude we have gotten as a society. I found myself reading and nodding along at just about everything the writer said (you can read the comments I left on there too, if you just can't seem to get enough of me here). One of the things that I find unbelievably rude and out of line is when people take it upon themselves to point out something I am doing wrong, especially when it comes to raising my children.

Several years ago I was listening to a radio talk show and they were discussing how people seem to be so rude to their loved ones while being perfectly pleasant to complete strangers. That struck a cord with me, and I decided that day that I would treat the people I love with love and respect, and I wouldn't bend over and take it up the ass when a stranger was rude to me for no reason. I am still pleasant, well as pleasant as I am capable of being, to strangers who are pleasant to me, but I am not going to stand there and smile as some out of touch old bitch tells me what to do. That idea is what lead to the story I am sharing here today.

2 years ago I was in Kansas City visiting some family. Bug was about to turn 3, and I was 10 weeks pregnant with the little guy and had just been fired from my job (read here for that story), and was about to get in the car to drive 9 hours back home. Needless to say, I was a little on edge. We were at my grandma's church, and if you know me, you know I wasn't thrilled to be there. Bug hadn't slept well the night before so I hadn't slept well, and sitting through church is not something that either of us is very good at. He wanted me to read him a book, and when I wouldn't read it loud enough he flipped.his.shit. He threw the mother of all fits right there in the middle of the congregation. I took him outside to calm him down, and for whatever reason, this was the day he decided to act like a terrible two for the first time ever and NOTHING would calm him down. We walked outside for a while, we sang songs, we played with a bug. I tried everything. Then I remembered that my 12-year-old cousin was in the nursery. Bug, like every other kid ever born, absolutely adores this girl. Her natural child-care instincts are awe-inspiring. I thought maybe, just maybe, she could distract him. At this point I had been dealing with a screaming toddler for a good 30 minutes and to say I was worn down would be an understatement. We went into the nursery, which I should mention is far enough away from the church auditorium that no one can here kids crying in there. Bug smiled at my cousin, but he wasn't quite ready to stop crying. She got him some animal crackers and we were making progress but apparently not enough progress because the crotchety old bitch that runs the place came over. And it nearly cost her her life. She looked Bug in the face, never once speaking to me, and using a very stern and inappropriate tone for someone who has never met my child, she said, "It is ok to be upset, but it is NOT ok to cry". Um. Fuck you. I had already had enough. I was pissed to begin with. I also hate angry old church ladies who think they know everything and that tone of voice was NOT ok with me, so I immediately turned Bug away from her and using the same tone she had said, "He is MY child, I will do the parenting THANK YOU". I turned and stormed out the door, and as I walked out I let me true colors show: "fucking bitch". Yes, I really did say that. In a church. As the door slammed shut behind me. It felt good, really good. Knowing that cantankerous bitch was standing in the nursery shocked at what had just happened totally justified my reaction. And for some reason, the whole thing calmed Bug down. Maybe he hadn't recognized me before because I was being nice and sitting in a church, and as soon as I lost my cool and used profanity he realized it was me. I learned later that my grandma, my calm-minded and gentle grandma, had also recently had a run-in with this woman and had expressed her opinion. Somehow I doubt it involved the same words as mine did.

I have zero patience for people who think they know everything. If you have specific child-rearing ideals that you feel are perfect, get your own damn kids. If your old enough that you now have grandchildren or even great-grandchildren, then you need to realize that you are old and out of touch and you should just be thankful that you don't have to deal with temper tantrums anymore. Your kids were not perfect, and no one will believe you if you say they never behaved that way. You are not making a difference by speaking up, so sit down and shut your mouth. You're just wasting your breath.

Someone Please Just Tell Me What to Do

2010-09-29T14:43:00.000-06:00

I am sure of myself. I know what I want and when I want it. I make decisions quickly and I stick by them...until now. I can honestly say I have never been so unsure of something in my entire life. Charming Husband and I are talking about another baby. I always thought we would have at least 3, if not 4, kids. Right now we have 2 absolutely beautiful, wonderful, healthy boys. Until a few weeks ago, having another baby was a given, but now? Now I'm not so sure. I keep going back and forth, weighing the options, figuring out all of the logistics. And I can find great things about each side.

If we don't have more kids, we can start thinking about fun family vacations and what our future really looks like. We can afford a new car sooner (because I'm about to ghost-ride my piece of shit off a cliff), we can provide our boys with everything they need, and I can afford a mani/pedi every two weeks. And have I mentioned that I am back down to pre-pregnancy weight? I'm hot again, I'm not sure if I want to get fat again. Hey, I never said my reasons weren't selfish. I am also so unbelievably scared about complications. We had a scare with our littlest, and while in the end he was completely healthy, I'm just not sure if I can risk any problems. We cannot handle complications. Having a child with special needs would destroy our marriage, and our lives. I know that sounds harsh, and I know people do it everyday, but I can't. I did it every day growing up. My brother has severe non-verbal Autism, and while I love my brother, I absolutely cannot fathom having to go through what my parents went through. I can't do it. I won't do it. So what do I do? Do I risk having a special needs child just so that I have the chance of having a little girl?

The other side of this is, of course, that I would love another baby. And really, what are the chances that we would have a special needs child? I do really want a girl, but I will still be totally happy with another healthy baby boy. I sit in the little guy's room at night, looking at all his baby stuff, thinking to myself, "I just don't FEEL done". I see families of 4 walking around and they don't look complete. I picture 3 kids in front of the fireplace for Christmas pictures, and 3 kids around the dinner table. 3 kids seems like the right amount. If something were to happen that would physically prevent us from having another baby, I wouldn't feel like there was something missing. I would just be happy with the kids I've got and wouldn't dwell on the one's I didn't get. But because we are still capable of having kids, I almost feel obligated to have one more. I feel like there is a baby inside of me that is supposed to be born and I am not giving it the opportunity. Is that crazy? Don't answer that.

We are at the point where it is do or die. If we are going to have another child it will need to be soon, very soon. I want to be done with pregnancies and breastfeeding and worrying about what I can eat and what I can't drink. If we have a baby next year I'll still be in my 40's when he or she graduates high school, and Charming Husband and I will be young enough to really enjoy the finer things in life. I don't want to say that we are done, and make things permanent, just to decide in a year that I don't feel full. Most importantly, I don't want to regret my decision to have more because we realize too late that we can't handle it. Someone, please, tell me what I should do. Is 3 kids too much to handle? Do you regret not having more? What are the chances I'll wind up with triplets? I'm really at a loss on this one...

I'm Back (for now) and 30 Days of Truth

2010-09-28T16:51:00.000-06:00

I took a little unplanned hiatus from blogging, thanks in large part to being back in school and having a demanding job/family/life. So I missed a couple of my weekly posts. I am hoping to get back into the swing of things, but really, I make no guarantees.T here are a few new memes out there in the blogging world that I am really going to try and play along with this week. So hopefully that will satisfy your cravings for rational craziness. I will give you this now though; it is the 5th topic for the 30 Days of Truth that is actually going to take me several months to finish. This week's topic is "Something you hope you never have to do."

I immediately thought of horrible and sad things that I hope I never have to do, and I'm sure that I am not being original when I say that I hope I never have to bury a child. Just typing that makes me want to throw up.

I don't like sad and horrible, so I am also going to say that I hope I never have to fight off a grizzly bear. They are big and mean, and I might break a nail. And that shit is a pain in the ass to fix.

Ugh, Finally!

2010-09-17T10:33:00.001-06:00

This has been the longest damn week ever!!! I have nothing intelligent or entertaining to say right now. I might later but I make no promises. But it is Blog Stalk Friday with One Crazy Brunette Chick, so if your badass go there and link up. Now.

Oh yeah, and because I haven't mentioned it in a while, I hate people.

Life Cannot Survive on Hope Alone

2010-09-14T11:59:00.000-06:00

The topic for today's "30 Days of Truth" is "something you hope to do in your life". Here's the thing; If I want to do something during my lifetime, hoping isn't going to get me there. I hope I win the lottery, I hope my family stays healthy, I hope the world doesn't end it 2012, I hope I win the lottery (I really really really hope I win the lottery!). These are things that are out of my control. I can buy lottery tickets, and can keep my children as healthy as I can, but I can't guarantee the winning numbers and I can't guarantee that my children will not get sick with some incurable disease. As much as I may think the hooplah is ridiculous, I can't guarantee that the world will not end in 2012.

What I can do is make things happen. I want to be a Human Resource Manager for a huge corporate company some day. I'm not going to hope I get my foot in the door and hope that someone sees my potential. No, I'm going to finish my goddamn degree that seems to be taking forever and I am going to get my foot in the door. I will make sure that people see my potential and I will be a Human Resource Manager for a huge corporate company. If I can't win the lottery, I might as well make a bunch of money the old fashioned way by ~~sleeping my way to the top~~ working my ass off. When I get that job making a decent amount of money I am going to buy myself a brand new car that I want. I'm going to buy myself the Burberry bag I have my eye on. I'm going to take my family on kick-ass vacations. I'm going to do what everyone else is sitting around hoping they get to do some day.

I'm not wasting time hoping that things go my way. Hope is for things out of my control, and for things I am unsure of. I am sure I have potential and I am sure I have drive. I am sure I will be successful. I hope I win the lottery.

A Song for Us

2010-09-12T10:12:00.000-06:00

"Where Were You (When The World Stopped Turning)"

Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day

Out in the yard with your wife and children

Working on some stage in LA

Did you stand there in shock at the site of

That black smoke rising against that blue sky

Did you shout out in anger

In fear for your neighbor

Or did you just sit down and cry

Did you weep for the children

Who lost their dear loved ones

And pray for the ones who don't know

Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the rubble

And sob for the ones left below

Did you burst out in pride

For the red white and blue

The heroes who died just doing what they do

Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer

And look at yourself to what really matters

I'm just a singer of simple songs

I'm not a real political man

I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you

The difference in Iraq and Iran

But I know Jesus and I talk to God

And I remember this from when I was young

Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us

And the greatest is love

Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day
Teaching a class full of innocent children
Driving down some cold interstate
Did you feel guilty cause you're a survivor

In a crowded room did you feel alone

Did you call up your mother and tell her you love her

Did you dust off that bible at home

Did you open your eyes and hope it never happened

Close your eyes and not go to sleep

Did you notice the sunset the first time in ages

Speak with some stranger on the street

Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow

Go out and buy you a gun

Did you turn off that violent old movie you're watching

And turn on "I Love Lucy" reruns

Did you go to a church and hold hands with some stranger

Stand in line and give your own blood

Did you just stay home and cling tight to your family

Thank God you had somebody to love

I'm just a singer of simple songs

I'm not a real political man

I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you

The difference in Iraq and Iran

But I know Jesus and I talk to God

And I remember this from when I was young

Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us

And the greatest is love

I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us
And the greatest is love

Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day

The greatest is love
The greatest is love

Seriously? Does This Even Need to be Said Outloud?

2010-09-09T13:03:00.000-06:00

By now everyone has heard of the planned burning Koran or Quran, or however you prefer to spell it, in Florida this weekend. If you haven't heard of it, please give me directions to the rock you so blissfully live under so I can join you. Now, I believe in freedom of religion and freedom of speech and all that good stuff, and the man leading this event certainly possesses those freedoms, but I'm thinking it's a bad idea to exercise his 1st amendment rights in this manner.

1st of all, a book burning? What is it 1953? Who burns books anymore? Who BUYS books anymore? Maybe we should together later and burns some bras just for the hell of it. Because apparently it's National Useless Acts of Protest Week.

2nd of all, if you want to believe that all Muslims are extremist who believe in the demise of America, it is your right to do so. You're wrong, but that's your right. But what this man, and I use that term lightly, doesn't see is that he is doing so much more harm than good. He is putting his fellow Americans who are oversees in jeopardy. He is teaching so much hate that I'm half expecting those whack-jobs from the Westboro Baptist Church to show up and join in. And he is going to seriously piss off the terrorists. I'm not saying we should pussy-foot around and not piss off those horrible people, but this is just asking for another attack. And for what? What exactly does he expect to accomplish?

I understand that this man and his church are angry. Every American should be angry. There are extremists who burn the Bible and the American flag, and they film for us to see. They are trying to piss us off, and by reacting in this way we are only offering them vindication; a reason to inflict their rage on our country once again. Sometimes you just can't fight fire with, um, well, fire. The war on terror has been a constant battle for the last 9 years, and this will be a step back. What is most unfortunate is that most people in this country understand the difference between Muslims and terrorists, much like we understand the difference between Christians and this Florida guy or the Westboro Baptist Church, but the people this message is aimed at aren't going to see that. They are going to hate every American equally as though we all supported this non-sense. Clearly we do not all support this. This public display of insanity is going to hurt the morale of this already torn country. Thanks a fucking lot dude down in Florida. Way to be a team player.

Oh, and by the way, several news outlets keep pointing out that Angelina Jolie has publicly denounced this whole thing (as if that was some sort of shock). Quite frankly, that doesn't make me any more inclined to denounce it as well. In fact, if I didn't think it was such a colossal mistake, I'd probably support it just to smite Angelina Jolie. But I'll save my smite for a different topic on a different day.

Forgiving is Easier Said Than Done

2010-09-07T11:01:00.000-06:00

Day 4 of 30 Days of Truth is "Something you have to forgive someone for". Last week I ~~bragged~~ explained that I forgive myself easily and don't dwell on my mistakes. Unfortunately forgiving others doesn't come so easily. I'm not talking about little things, like when Charming Husband ignores me and invites his friends over for drinks anyway. I will forgive him for that (just not this morning. Maybe later today...). When people mess up big time, and I mean like seriously fuck my life up, I don't tend to forgive them for a long time, if ever. I choose to write those people off as worthless to me, as people whose well-being I am no longer concerned with. One such person is my previous boss. I know several people who will read this know her, so I'll understand if you quit reading now (which might be a good idea). And I am not naming her, because this isn't about her so much as it is about me.

I was 8 weeks pregnant. I sat in her office and gushed about how happy I was. She gushed about how excited she was for me, and about how great the company had been for her during and after her recent pregnancy. We laughed about how awful our HR department was and how she couldn't wait for me to take it over some day. She was impressed with my plan for being able to afford maternity leave. For over an hour we giggled with excitement, teared up with happiness, and brainstormed about the future. I knew she was on my side and happy for me. 4 days later, she pulled me into the office of the COO (who is a cocksucker by the way, but that's a different issue in and of itself) and fucking fired me. She used the lame excuse that some worthless sales person refused to work with me, and I knew about it but refused to change. 10 months earlier I had gotten written up because I caused a problem with this particular sales person and he got his panties twisted so I got in trouble. I changed, I put on my "I'm so happy to be here and you are always right" face and sucked it up. 1 month before I was fired, I was given a raise and told that there had been no complaints about me, even from that sales person. But somehow, 4 days after I told my boss I was pregnant, those problems resurfaced. I was furious. I have never been so angry in my life. The things I considered unleashing on that company and those people make me sick to think about now. The amount of stress that situation caused me could have cost my child his life. It did cause serious complications in my pregnancy, and had something gone terribly wrong I would have immediately placed the blame on the 2 people in that office that day. Thankfully my son is healthy, so redemption is no longer something I dream about. I don't think about those people unless someone else brings it up, and when that happens I immediately switch my brain off. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to have this much hate. I don't want the stress to come back.

I should forgive her. When I worked for her I liked her most of the time, so I should forgive her and move on. But why should I offer forgiveness to someone who has never asked for it? She doesn't care that she caused my family so much heartache that we almost couldn't bounce back, so why should I give her the respect of forgiveness? Maybe when more time passes I will forgive because I have forgotten, but today is not that day. I feel so betrayed. Betrayed by someone I thought cared about me and my family. But mostly betrayed by intuition. I usually know what people I can trust and which ones I need to be careful of. I thought I could trust her, and I couldn't, so now I have lost faith in my ability to read people. Betrayal is not so easy to forgive for, but hopefully someday I am capable of that.

*This post has been edited to add this: Charming Husband is taking me out for lunch and ice cream, all is forgiven there.

It's Parenting, Not Politics

2010-09-03T22:32:00.002-06:00

When I found out I was pregnant with my 1st child, I immediately started thinking about parenting. What kind of parent did I want to be? What kind of parent did I not want to be? Would I let my children watch TV? Would I feed them mac n' cheese from a box? Would I immunize? Would I breastfeed? When I started considering all of my options, I considered what I thought was best for me, my husband, and our child. I wanted to breastfeed as long as I could, however long that may be. I was fairly certain I would opt out of a few immunizations based on a family history of severe allergic reactions, mostly my brother's extreme, non-verbal autism (I'm not getting into THAT discussion, not right now anyway). I didn't want my kids to watch a ton of TV but some would be OK, and that's because I don't watch a ton of TV. I'd probably make mac n' cheese. from a box. a lot. because it's damn good. I thought about the best parent I could be. Do you want to know what I never once considered? What kind of parenting would be the most controversial? What can I do that is going to make all the other mom's at the park whisper behind my back? What are the parenting hot topics that I can argue about with every parent I meet? No, I pretty much just want to be the kind of parent whose kids grow up to be healthy, upstanding citizens. I want them to be smart, funny, loving, but most importantly ~~good-looking successful wealthy~~, um, good people. I don't want all gender neutral toys, all of my children will be born in a hospital with the aid of either drugs or doctor wielding a scalpel, I'm not wasting money on all organic food, I'm definitely not making my own baby food or using cloth diapers, and I'm sure as fuck not breastfeeding my kid until he can walk up to me and tell me to give him my boob. I chose not to do these things because I just don't believe in the benefits; these parenting styles just don't fit with my life. I didn't, however, decide to go in this direction because I wanted to be controversial. I'm not preaching to every mother to be that she shouldn't immunize, or that she needs to breastfeed for exactly one year; no more, no less. Those are decisions that every mother to be needs to make for herself. Ok, I guess she can discuss it with her husband too.

That all being said, I don't give a shit if you want to do any or all of those things. 1st of all, I believe every parent has the right to raise their children based on their own values and way of life (assuming it isn't harmful). I also have the right to choose my friends, so if I am uncomfortable around a mom because she is breastfeeding her 6 year-old, I have the choice to not hang out with them anymore. I absolutely cannot stand being around parents who insist on pushing their parenting philosophy down my throat. We are all just trying to do a good job. We need to support eachother, not berate eachother for insignificant differences in parenting style. A very dear friend of mine breastfed her daughter for 8 months, but it was far from easy. She nursed, then pumped, then bottle fed, then pumped again. 4,5,6 times a day. That kind of schedule is mentally and physically exhausting, but she endured for 8 whole months. When she finally made the decision to stop, she felt guilty. Why should she feel guilty? Why can't other mom's just applaud her for all of her hard work? She should be proud of herself. I'm proud of her. I can't understand why anyone would care how long she nursed for. And guess what? Her daughter is perfectly healthy so all the haters can shove it.

My point, if I haven't made it painfully clear yet, is that contreversal parenting topics are just parenting topics. People with a thirst for drama and a need for attention create the controversy. I don't like those people, and I don't have the time or patience for them. I'm not reading their blogs, I'm not humoring them. I'm ignoring them in hopes that they will get the point that I don't need them to preach to me.

Forgive Me

2010-08-31T10:27:00.000-06:00

Today is my 3rd day of 30 Days of Truth, and the topic is "Something you have to forgive yourself for". I've tried really hard for the last week to come up with something that I needed to forgive myself for, and quite frankly, I'm stumped. It's not that I don't do anything wrong, because I do (unless Charming Husband is reading this, in which case I never do anything wrong), I'm just not a dweller. I don't sit around thinking about my mistakes and regretting what I have and have not done. I told myself a long time ago that I wasn't going to live my life regretting it and I've stuck to that. When I make mistakes, I forgive myself and move on. Not instantly, of course, but not years later either. It just so happens that right now I found myself in between times in which I need to forgive myself, so unfortunately I don't have any juicy secrets to share here. If I come up with one though, I will revisit Day 3 of 30 Days of Truth and give you all the dirty details.

A Dedicated Song Sunday

2010-08-29T20:08:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I had the honor of being asked to sing this song at a funeral. I never actual met the man who passed away, but his step-daughter and her husband are very close friends of my dad. In fact, her husband officiated my wedding. Their family means a lot to me, and I was happy to sing a song that inspires emotion whenever it is heard. A month ago we sang it for my little sister after she was baptized. I didn't think I would get caught up in the moment yesterday. I thought for sure I could get through it without getting choked up. I'd never met this man, and from what it sounds like he might not have been the nicest man ever, but as I stood in front of the congregation ready to begin, I had to pause. It is impossible to sing this song and not remember the people I have lost. It's impossible to not grieve for the family sitting in front of me. I closed my eyes, and started to sing. My voice has never quivered so much, I've never had to close my eyes to keep from seeing the tears streaming down the faces of the loved ones left behind. I knew there were people I couldn't look at, most of all my dad. I knew if I made eye contact he'd tear up, and then I would lose it. If there is one person in the world I simply cannot handle seeing cry it is my dad. There was one person I knew I count on not crying; Charming Husband. He isn't a cryer, he's not emotional, and he is even less of these things at a funeral for someone he doesn't know. So I opened my eyes and looked toward his chair. It was empty. Seriously? I'm singing at a funeral and you're MIA? I closed my eyes again, and kept them that way until I was done. I'm glad I made it through, I'm glad his widow was moved. I nearly lost it when his daughter mustered up a "thank you", eyes full of sorrow. I want to dedicate today's Song Sunday to the Gast family, and to every family who has had to hear this song at the funeral of a loved one.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

Things I Love...About Me

2010-08-24T16:33:00.000-06:00

Last Tuesday I starting the 30 Days of Truth, um, thing, and I had to tell you about the things I hate about myself. You can read that post here. Today I get to tell you something I love about myself. Don't worry, I've narrowed it down to just a few things, or else we would be here all damn day!

I really do love me. Other than some pretty normal insecurities, I'm confident in who I am and don't plan on changing anytime soon. Although some people may not like my snarky attitude and foul mouth, they are part of what makes me stand apart from those around me so I love those characteristics. I'm also incredible emotional, which is a good and bad thing. I sometimes cry in really awkward moments when I really have no reason to be crying, and I could do without that, but in general I love that the world hasn't hardened me. I'm not afraid to shed tears and show myself, even if I feel a little embarrassed.

I also love my dimples. I wouldn't trade them for anything!

Please come back next Tuesday, the topic is "Something you have to forgive yourself for".

A Very Special Song Sunday

2010-08-22T14:58:00.001-06:00

In honor of my little guy's 1st Birthday, here is the song I sing to him every night. I've never like the 2nd verse to this song, so I changed the words when I started singing it to Bug when he was brand new. It's just sweet song, and I'm willing to bet most moms have sung this to their child at some point.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy, when skies are grey

You'll never know dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping

I dreamt I held you in my arms

When I awoke dear, I wasn't mistaken

and I held you safe from harm

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy, when skies are grey

You'll never know dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

An Entire Year Has Passed

2010-08-21T08:03:00.000-06:00

I can't believe my baby boy is 1 today. It is so hard to put into words what I am feeling this morning, but I'll try anyway. There was a time before you were born that I was worried we wouldn't see this day. There were times I was so focused on you hitting every major milestone at the right time that I forgot to cherish the memory. But those fears are gone. Today, on your 1st birthday, you are exactly what you are supposed to be. You are here, you are healthy, you are my sweet baby boy. This morning I nursed you for the last time. It was bittersweet, because although I am ecstatic about having my body back, I will miss the sweet moments we have early in the morning. Someday you will be a big kid, and you will run and jump and yell and scream, and your brother will be your best friend, and you will be too busy to snuggle with Mama. But today you are not too busy. Today I am your best friend. Today you are still a little kid, and I promise to cherish of last minute of it. I love you Little Guy, and I always will.

Love,
Mama

Blog Stalking!

2010-08-20T10:57:00.014-06:00

That Crazy Brunette Chick has gone and made her already awesome blog hop even awesomer (yes I said awesomer. I haven't had a Redbull in like, 3 days. By brain is going through withdrawal) . Her new button ~~that I am totally jealous of~~ is on my sidebar. Go check it out. Now.

30 Days of Truth

2010-08-17T15:59:00.001-06:00

So a lot of the bloggers that I follow have taken on this challenge, and I like it, so I think I'm going to do it. Plus, I get to talk about myself and what blogger doesn't love that? I mean, we are bloggers for a reason, yes? Angel Believes is where I found the list. So once a week I am going to post based on this list, so please come back every Tuesday to see the topic and my ~~brilliant~~ response. Today's topic is this: Something you hate about yourself. So here goes nothin'.

I'm not really a self-hater. I'm obnoxiously confident and happy with myself. That said, there are somethings that I don't love about myself. Physically, my tummy has seen better days. The pre-baby, pre-c-section, pre-too-much-beer-drinkin' days. If I could change anything about my body, I'd get that kickass 6-pack back (abs, not beer. maybe). Of course, this would be attainable if I could get my ass to the gym, but it's like, a whole mile away from my house so you can't really expect me to go there! And it smells like boy sweat.

As far as non-physical traits go, there are things that I didn't really know I didn't love until recently. I am not a very clean person, I never have been. But now as an adult, I wish I was the kind of person who could stay on top of the chores so that I didn't have to spend entire weekends making up for my week-long laziness. I am also painfully forgetful. I leave the house every morning without at least one thing that I really needed to remember. This morning it was diapers for the babysitter. And I just love having to run to the store on my lunch break to pick stuff up because I don't have time to go all the way home. Charming Husband is a BIG fan of this habit of mine. I can't tell you how many times he has said, "I'm so glad you didn't remember to pick up my dry cleaning today! I love having to wait outside at 7:00am until they open and then change into my work clothes in the car!". He is such a lucky man.

So I guess that's what I "don't love" about myself. Come back next Tuesday when I get to talk about what I love about myself. I wonder if Blogger puts a word limit on posts...

Song Sunday with The Dixie Chicks

2010-08-15T11:21:00.000-06:00

I just realized that I forgot to post a song last week! Yes, I realize it took me a whole week; I tend to be pretty spacey. I also realize that I choose and awful lot of country song's for this weekly meme, but it's because I love country music, so deal with it. If you are one of those "Dixie Chicks Haters", I'm sorry. Because are really freaking awesome. This is just one of the many many songs of theirs that I can't listen to without getting all teary and ridiculous. This is "I'll Take Care of You".

Times Are Hard And Rents Are High
What Can A Working Girl Do
But Struggle Through Another Day
Then I'll Take Care Of You

Nights Are Long And Dreams Are Cold
If They're All You Wake Up To
But Should You Rise With Crying Eyes
I'll Take Care Of You

[Chorus:]
So Let Them Talk About Us
Let Them Call Us Funny Things
People Sometimes Do
I Don't Care As Long
As You Know I Love You
Oh, And You Know I Do

I'll Be There, But You Might Not See Me
It's Never Easy To Get Through
But When The Laughter Dies Away
I'll Take Care Of You

[Repeat Chorus]

I'll Be There, But You Might Not See Me
It's Never Easy To Get Through
But When The Laughter Dies Away
Then I'll Take Care Of You

Darling, I'll Take Care Of You

Apparently Someone Thinks I Have A Heart

2010-08-12T15:44:00.001-06:00

I got a call last week about doing some fundraising thing. Here is the shtick: you get picked up in a Paddy Wagon, driven to "jail", which is actually just a pretend jail inside of a local bar/restaurant. You have to stay there for at least an hour, and you have to make "bail" by raising money for muscular dystrophy. Cute idea, really, but they got the wrong person. When the woman called she said,"someone nominated you because you have such a great great big heart!" I responded by saying "well I'm sorry, but someone was lying to you". 1st of all, "bail" is set at $2400, and if I can dupe someone into giving me $2400 I'm getting my stupid car fixed. And maybe buying a new bag. 2nd of all, I'm supposed leave work in the middle of the day for at least 2 hours with all of the quality paddy wagon time? Yeah, that'll go over well. Not to mention the fact that the bar isn't even going to give me a free beer, I mean, WHAT is THAT? And since I'm a heartless bitch, I don't do things if I don't get something awesome out of it. And I mean something tangible, not that "feeling of doing something good for others" crap. I also kind of feel like there are other charities that need donations too. If it was for some obscure, barely known but very important cause I might be more apt to do it. Not that muscular dystrophy isn't important, it just isn't near and dear to my heart. Had they said it was for autism I'd probably sign up every person I know and would have well over $2400 raised, but that's because it hits home. I'm even more stingy with my time than I am with my money. Does that bother you? Get off me. I never said I was a nice person.

Reason # 49,675 That I Hate the PTC

2010-08-10T12:33:00.000-06:00

If there is one activist group I hate more than PETA it's The Parent's Television Council (the PTC). Ok, I still probably hate PETA more but the PTC is a close 2nd. Anyway, they are once again all up in arms about a stupid TV show. The show is modeled after the blog/book "Shit My Dad Says" which by the way I follow and it is HI-larious. The title of the show is "*$^% My Dad Says" or something like that, and naturally the PTC is raising a stink because they have nothing better to do, like raise their children for instance. They would rather fight TV stations and argue over an insignificant word that their children might hear on TV than actually, you know, PARENT their children and just not allow them to watch that station. Here is the entire article. There is really nothing new or interesting from the PTC, they are just as buttoned up and annoying as always. 1st of all, the network isn't even using the word "shit" they are using symbols. 2nd of all, the word is "SHIT". It has absolutely no meaning other than shit. There is no reason to get offended. 3rd of all, shit is an awesome word. I use it daily. My children will probably use it daily at some point in their life as well and that is fine by me. It is just a word. And even if the network had wanted to use the word "fuck" in the title, I don't give a shit! (See what I did there? I used shit in a sentence because it's awesome). They are just words, and if they offend you than you need to learn to not take offense to things that are not being used directly at you.

If I want to watch TV shows with sex and violence and profanity, then back the hell off me. If I don't want my kids to see that stuff then I will do whatever it takes so that they don't see it. Most good shows come on after bedtime anyway, it isn't like they are trying to air this show Saturday morning between Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Phineas and Ferb. It is a prime-time show, meaning it will be aired at night. If it happens to be on during your kids awake hours, turn off the goddamn TV! The world does not revolve around YOUR kids. We need to quit making it easier for lousy parents to continue to ignore their children. Other people are adults who might not have kids and the deserve to see entertaining television that contains adult content. I don't really mind my kids seeing certain adult shows. Yes, Bug has picked up on things he shouldn't have, because we might have let him watch the Family Guy, and he might have dropped a "giggity" or two. Complete with full body thrust. But, um... parenting is a learned process. Bug no longer watches the Family Guy. I'm not blaming Fox for airing the show or Seth McFarlane for creating it. WE let him watch it. WE ultimately decided he shouldn't watch it anymore. But when he is older and can understand what is going on and know what things are just for entertainment value he can watch shows like that. He watches things with us, and when he asks about things that happen we explain it in the simplest terms possible. He knows all the bad words, but he doesn't use them because he knows they are grown up words. And when he is a grown up he can use whatever words he damn-well pleases. And he doesn't know those words from any TV show he has ever watched. He learned from me us. Is some parenting group going to come to my house now and tell me I can't swear because my child will pick it up and then take it school and his classmates will learn it and then the world will explode? It's "shit". It isn't the apocalypse. Calm the fuck down.

It's a Little Late, and I'm Too Tired to be Witty

2010-08-06T21:17:00.002-06:00

But it's time for Friday's best game!

PINT Week 7!

2010-08-03T10:12:00.002-06:00

Song Sunday With Rodney Atkins

2010-08-01T14:43:00.001-06:00

I love this one, the 1st verse must have been written for Bug and Charming Husband. I've only posted the part that pertains to them. The rest is awesome too, but just doesn't fit my boys. And if Bugs 1st 4-letter word would've started with "S" I think we would've preferred it to the one he ACTUALLY said. I'll let you use your imagination on that one.

Drivin' through town just my boy and me
With a 'Happy Meal' in his booster seat
Knowin' that he couldn't have the toy til his nuggets were gone

A green traffic light turned straight to red
I hit in my brakes and mumbled under my breath
His fries went a flyin? and his orange drink covered his lap

Well, then my 4 year old said a 4 letter word
It started with "S' and I was concerned
So I said, Son, now where'd you learn to talk like that??

He said, I've been watching you, dad ain't that cool?
I?m your buckaroo, I want to be like you
And eat all my food, and grow as tall as you are?

"We got cowboy boots and camo pants
Yeah, we're just alike, hey, ain't we dad
I want to do everything you do
So I've been watching you"

Carrie Underwood: Marriage Pro

2010-07-30T22:06:00.001-06:00

When I got married, people were constantly asking me, "how's married life?". Um, well, we lived together for almost 4 years and had a kid together BEFORE we got married, so married life is pretty much the same as living together life, but when I would use that as my response I got blank stares from people who I suppose expected me to say something like, "Oh it is just so wonderful! Charming husband is such an incredible man, I'm the luckiest girl in the world!". Anyone who really knows me would have seen through THAT bullshit in about 30 seconds. Seriously, that is my least favorite question, EVER! So when I read this article about Carried Underwood's feelings on her brand spanking new marriage, I was less than surprised that people asked her the same questions. And I'm not all that surprised at her response either. She and her husband didn't live together before they got married I presume (because that would be a sin, ya'll), so she says that married life is "pretty much just like dating life!" Really, Carrie? Dating and married life, the same thing? Oh, I see. When you and Mike were dating he forgot your birthday AND your anniversary, didn't he? And I bet he stopped closing the bathroom door somewhere around date #6 so that wasn't a marriage surprise either, was it? OH! I bet he calls you in the middle of recording a brand new song to ask you where the hell you stashed the toilet paper, huh? Yeah, married life is JUST like dating life. Ms. Underwood (or is it Fisher?) goes on to say "I know how blessed I am. I know how special these things are. There isnothing in the world that I could possibly ask for because you can'tadd to perfection!" mmmhmmm. You've been married all of 3 weeks to a man that is on the road all the time. Give it a year, sweetheart, or spend 3 months straight with him, and you'll retract that statement. I'm sure you're in love and all, but let's face it, you are a famous singer and he is a hockey player. He'll cheat on you with a hooker in Montreal (and you'll dig you're key into the side of his pretty little suped up 4-wheel drive and carve your name into his leather seat) and you'll leave him for your manager who is 27 years older than you. Sorry, it's just how things go. Good luck though! Please be sure to share your wisdom on how you two love birds make it work after your 1st anniversary because by then you'll be a goddamn expert!

I GOT A FACE LIFT!!

2010-07-28T09:15:00.001-06:00

Ok, so I didn't actually get a face lift, but as I am sure you've noticed by now my blog got one helluva make-over! That ~~whore~~ Crazy Brunette Chick hooked me up with this awesome new look because she ~~is a slut~~ totally rocks. What do ya'll think? Yes I said ya'll, quit judging me. And while you are here, grab my fancy schmancy new button that CB also made for me!!!

PINT Week 6!

2010-07-27T13:17:00.000-06:00

It's hot. The a/c was broken yesterday. The only thing I ate was popsicles.

Song Sunday With Sarah McLachlan

2010-07-25T11:49:00.000-06:00

Sarah McLachlan is hands down my favorite artist. Her lyrics and voice are amazing and cause my emotions to do somersaults. This is "Push". Incredible.

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

[CHORUS:]
You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're too good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You won't stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

[CHORUS]

Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes thats just what we need to get us through the day

I Might As Well Play Along

2010-07-23T14:13:00.000-06:00

Since I am having a hard time writing anything of any significance, I decided to join the Fawk You Friday blog hop. Any excuse to complain, right?


Fawk you on call nurse, who took an hour to call me back last night while I melted underneath the heat of my little boy.

Fawk you other mom at Bug's school who INSISTS on taking up 3 parking spaces with her stupid Lexus SUV in the middle of pick up rush hour

Fawk you brain for leaving your credit card in the pants you wore yesterday so that you can't buy a Red bull. Or gas. Shit.

Fawk you Sears. Yes, I am still mad about this

Fawk you weatherman for making it rain this weekend and ruin our camping trip.

I Almost Forgot!

2010-07-23T13:58:00.000-06:00

Friday's best follow is happening right now, as we speak.

I'm Tired. And Cranky.

2010-07-23T13:04:00.000-06:00

The little guy has a fever of 103. He woke up 4 times last night to cry and hit me in the face. Since he is sick ~~I drugged him~~ gave him a kiss and the appropriate dose of Tylenol. He decided 5:30 was a good time to wake up this morning, so I have been up since 2 hours before my brain started working. Tired does not begin to describe how I feel today. But Charming Husband came home to take over, so now I get to stare at my computer at work for the next 4 hours! Lucky me. I also left my credit card at home so I couldn't get a Red bull. and I'm hungry. I need a nap and a cocktail. Woe is me.

Writing Prompts

2010-07-22T14:01:00.000-06:00

On Tuesday I did a post-it note about how I had no motivation to write, and someone commented that I should Google "writing prompts" so I did. The first one I saw was to write about the hardest decision I've ever had to make. It's ironic, because the decision I had to make relates to an unbelievable amount of blog posts out there right now. I'm not ready to write that post. Not yet. It's been in my head for a long time and I know exactly what I want to say, I'm just not sure I want some people to read it. But someday I'll write it, and share it with all of you. The rest of the writing prompts were stupid and kept wanting me to write poems. Um, yeah, I'm not a big fan of poetry when other people write it, so I'm definitely not going to wasted my time writing my own. Instead of writing about what the prompts suggest, here are some of the ridiculous ideas.

Write about the color of hunger -- what the fuck does that even mean? It's purple.
Use the following words in a story: Hypocrite, cookie jar, telephone, city -- no, I don't want to. YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!
Write about what you would cook for an enemy -- I'm assuming they are looking for something other than poison...
Why would Fortune 500 companies start hiring corporate fortune tellers? -- Because clearly they are all imbeciles who want their companies to fold.

See how stupid the suggestions were? And that was only in the 1st 50! I guess it did the trick though, it got my brain working and my wittyness spinning.

Oh, and someone made their way to my blog yesterday using the search term "hypnobirth". I'm guessing they moved on pretty quickly.

PINT Week 5

2010-07-20T11:08:00.001-06:00

Song Sunday Week 3!

2010-07-18T10:03:00.000-06:00

I love this song, and I get all teary and ridiculous when I hear it :) I think every woman I know can relate to this song at some point in their life.

This is for all you girls about 13
High school can be so rough, can be so mean
Hold on to, on to your innocence
Stand your ground when everybody's givin' in
This one's for the girls

This is for all you girls about 25
In little apartments, just tryin' to get by
Livin' on, on dreams and spaghettios
Wonderin' where your life is gonna go

This one's for the girls
Who've ever had a broken heart
Who've wished upon a shooting star
You're beautiful the way you are
This one's for the girls
Who love without holdin' back
Who dream with everything they have
All around the world, this one's for the girls
(This one's for all the girls)

This is for all you girls about 42
Tossin' pennies into the fountain of youth
Every laugh, laugh line on your face
Made you who you are today

This one's for the girls
Who've ever had a broken heart
Who've wished upon a shooting star
You're beautiful the way you are
This one's for the girls
Who love without holdin' back
Who dream with everything they have
All around the world, this one's for the girls

Yeah, we're all the same inside
(Same inside)
From 1 to 99

This one's for the girls
Who've ever had a broken heart
Who've wished upon a shooting star
You're beautiful the way you are
This one's for the girls
Who love without holdin' back
Who dream with everything they have
All around the world, yeah, this one's for the girls

(This one's for all the girls)
Yeah, this one's for the girls
(This one's for all the girls)

The Reason I Get Out of Bed on Fridays...

2010-07-16T09:40:00.002-06:00

Is for this crazy bitch

Time to Clean House

2010-07-14T23:01:00.000-06:00

No, not MY house, yeah right! No one has threatened divorce today so I'm not cleaning the kitchen. No, the house I am cleaning is the blog house. I realized today when I was going through my blog list looking for the specific blogs that I read daily, that I have a ton of blogs that I always, ALWAYS, skip over. So why am I still following? I'm sure I came across these blogs on a blog hop at some point, and based on the content of some of them I highly doubt the bloggers read my stuff and aren't offended. So I am going to clean out the closet, remove the fluff, purge the blog, if you will. I am going to stop following the blogs that are of absolutely no interest to me. If you follow me and you have a blog that you want me to keep reading, leave me a comment so that I know to check it out.

OH! And I'm going to really try and start commenting back when people comment on my posts. I LOVE comments, I really do, and I'm starting to get more of them so I am trying to appreciate my readers by responding to their comment love. Feel free to harass me if I don't write back!

PINT week 3

2010-07-13T12:56:00.001-06:00

Song Sunday Week 2

2010-07-11T21:52:00.001-06:00

I'm starting a new thing, I know my post is a little tonight, I was busy being hungover today. Here is last week's post. Here are today's lyrics:

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.

No More Mrs. Nice Annie

2010-07-10T10:28:00.000-06:00

This is "Angry Rant" #3. Read #1 here and #2 here

No one goes into parenthood thinking, "What can I do that will get me the most attention. What is the most controversial?" And if you do think like that, then fuck you you shouldn't have kids. Most parents just want to raise children that will turn into good people. They want kids they can be proud of, kids that will be upstanding citizens and maybe someday be good parents themselves. The response I get from other parents has become my biggest pet peeve. I am sick and fucking tired of hearing other parents rip apart those who do things differently than them. Just because YOU do it, doesn't make it right! What it comes down to for me is this: if it in no way affects me or my family I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! If it isn't illegal or harmful to your own children I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! If you focused more on your children and less on whether or not I let my kids drink non-organic juice everyone would be better off. If you aren't even a parent yet? Get fucked. And if you were a 1st-time parent 20 years ago, get your memory checked. Your kids weren't perfect and neither were you so shut up and get back to playing backgammon.

People will always have opinions on everything, I understand that. But why spew those self-righteous opinions onto everybody else? Keep it to yourself. The reason there are so many different types of parents is because there are so many different types of people. We all process information differently and we make decisions based on our experiences. My children don't have all of their vaccinations; they have most of them, but not all of them. There are the people put there who jump down my throat for that decision but their opinion doesn't matter. I know why I chose to opt out of those shots and I firmly stick by my decision. It's none of your damn business and it doesn't affect you. And I have absolutely no interest in reading comments from people who want to berate me and attack me for my decisions. If you leave me such comments, they WILL be deleted. Go spew your ridiculous hate elsewhere, or better yet, get a fucking life.

I'm not typically a spanker, though I am not against it and I have used it in the past as an effective form of punishment. If you can't bring yourself to spank your kids or you just plain don't want to, that is your right as a parent. The same goes for those who spank regularly. I don't care how you choose to discipline your children. Your kids might turn out awesome, and maybe they won't. I can decide if I want them around my kids or not, but I don't have to tell you how to raise them. My biggest problem with this country right now, and probably the whole world, is that everyone butts into everyone elses lives. People want to control the way everyone around them eats, dresses, behaves, and thinks. I don't give 2 shits what you do until if affects me. But when you start giving me advice, when you start criticizing my style of parenting, when you undermine me in front of my children, when you try to control me, you will lose. I will tear you down and pick you apart and tell you where to shove that brand new Lexis. I have enough respect for other moms to ignore their bad days. If you don't offer me the same, you better learn to fucking run. I'm done being nice and smiling and thanking you for your "advice". From now on you're getting an honest response: Get Fucked.

The Best Friday Follow EVER!

2010-07-09T10:00:00.002-06:00

This is just too awesome to not post again, and, she has named me her fav blog of the week, so obviously she is awesome. Go there, go there now!

I Bet THESE Were Effective

2010-07-05T09:18:00.003-06:00

Once again folks I have found another fabulous set of pictures to add my witty comments too. Thank you to whoever posted this on Facebook for me to steal. Sorry the pictures are so small and the formatting is off. I've lost the patience to fix it.

That's right kids, only older men have AIDS! But go right on ahead andhave sex with as many dumbass high school boys as you can, because noneof them ever has an STD and they sure as hell will call you the nextday. Boys your age NEVER break hearts. They have sex with you becausethey love you

There is a difference between choosing to abstain and not being able to get laid.

What's wrong with that? Who doesn't want to shack up with Hitler? I mean, just LOOK at that mustache!

FACT: Men are pigs and will move on to someone who gives it up.

FACT: Men love women who care for them like their mothers did so go ahead and brush up your cooking and cleaning skills.

FACT: That wedding dress is god-awful.

This is pretty much the best condom ad ever.

I'd be more worried that this chick was going to murder you in your sleep rather than pass on an STD.

And who doesn't like a good game of Russian Roulette? The girls may be LOADED with disease, but they sure do look fun!

Ah yes, the great "interchangeable penis" trick. I hate when they pull that one!

It's true. transvestites are ALWAYS disguised as porcelain dolls, and they ALWAYS have VD. Just stating the facts kids, just stating the facts.

She may also be old enough to be your mother. This is why you stay away from cougars with emphysema. I guess only women have STDs then? I wonder where they got them if men aren't to blame...

...but gonorrhea, chlamydia, crabs, syphillis, herpes, warts, and HPV all ok to take home.

Yeah, guys really hate the possibility of going home with 3 girls instead of one.

Welp, you'll be waiting for a long damn time, because not only is Prince Charming a fairytale, he's probably still hooking up with that servent girl who no doubt gave himVD. And after that waxing incedent, I am not taking ANY MORE advice from pageant queens.

Song Sunday

2010-07-04T12:44:00.001-06:00

Music is a huge part of my life. I love to sing. Every day I hear a song that touches me in some way. I sang my first solo in front of a large audience when I was 3. When I was 15 I made all-county choir. I used to sing the National Anthem for high school basketball games, and when I was 17 I sang it at the circus. When I sing I feel alive. Music has taken the backseat in my life now. Between work and school and raising a family I just don't have time to join a choir or take lessons to keep my voice trained, but I don't love music any less. In an effort to get back to my musical roots, and to blog more regularly, every Sunday I am going to try (really hard I promise) to post lyrics to a song that has touched me. Since today is Independence Day, it only seems fit to pull my favorite lyrics from one of our most patriotic songs. When I was a kid, we would sing the 1st verse of this song when we crossed into a new state on road trips, and I get all teary when they sing it at baseball games :)

O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

O beautiful for patriot dream
That sees beyond the years
Thine alabaster cities gleam
Undimmed by human tears!
America! America!

God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

O beautiful for glory-tale
Of liberating strife
When once and twice,
for man's avail
Men lavished precious life!
America! America!

God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

Sometimes, Thou SHALL Judge

2010-07-02T13:07:00.002-06:00

*Reminder - this is post # 2 of my foul-mouthed and angry tangent. Don't remember? Read this. And then read post # 1 here. *

I try REALLY hard not to judge other moms. Really, I do. I've been judged on my mothering style A LOT it is fucking obnoxious. I've learned that what other parents do doesn't affect me so I've stopped wasting my time caring about it. Don't want to breastfeed? Cool, I'm not your kid, it's not my problem. Want to eat all organic? Cool, you can afford it, knock your socks off. Don't believe in discipline? Cool, you're kid isn't coming to my house, but it doesn't matter. It's your life, parent as you see fit.

That being said, I have found myself judging a few parents lately because I just couldn't help it. Read these stories, and tell me you didn't judge. I won't believe you.

I was driving through a very busy intersection the other night at around 5:30pm, which is smack dab in the middle of the rush hour. The light was green and several cars had already gone through it so I was up average city speed, 30 MPH or so. Right as I headed through the light, this mom, and I use that term lightly, and her little boy who was maybe 4, were walking towards the intersection. The "mom" was jabbering away on her phone and the kid starts to head into the intersection, in front of MY car. The "mom" grabs the kids shirt, but naturally stays on the phone. As most 4-year-olds would respond, the kids rips her hand off of him and starts to run. in front of MY car. She HIT him. FULL ON SMACKED her child across the face because he didn't listen, and never ONCE got of the fucking phone. She never said a word to him. She barely even looked at him. She just continued to talk on her goddamn phone! Is the person on the other end of the line more important that your CHILD??? Is the phone itself more important than your child? It's a fucking phone call! Call them back! Now, don't get me wrong, I know how kids sometimes don't listen no matter how hard you try, and I am not against spanking your kids when necessary, but seriously. How do you expect your kid to learn why it is bad to run out into traffic if you don't use your words like a big girl and tell him? If that were me, and my kid started to run out into traffic, I'd drop the fucking phone and grab him, tell him to stop, and then follow it up with reasons why he shouldn't run into traffic and reasons why he needs to listen to me. There would be a punishment for sure, but I wouldn't smack him across the face and call it a day. A phone is replaceable. My child is not.

So I judged that "mom". And it really would have put a damper on my weekend if I would've hit that fucking kid.

And then there are the people in this article. Now, the article here doesn't give a whole lot of information, but the gist is that these parents, and again I use that term lightly, in Texas (only in Texas!) let their child play with a bong that had pot it in. Now, what the story leaves out is whether or not the bong had already been lit, or if the pot in it had already been smoked and was just resin, or if it was fresh pot, in which case I would call it irresponsible because that shit could've fallen out and then you're just wasting good pot. Who knows really, but the part about this article that I cannot fathom is the other couple that is referenced. Apparently, some family in Indonesia has a cigarette smoking 2 year old. He started when he was 18 months old and now smokes 40 a day, 40 A DAY!!! What the FUCK kind of parents allow their TODDLERS to fucking smoke?? My kids will never, I repeat NEVER, be allowed to smoke in my home, and if I found out they are doing it outside of my home shit's gonna hit the fan! But a 2 year-old?? Isn't that child abuse? Those are the kind of people who should NOT be parents. And yeah, I judged those "parents" too.

*This was edited to include this link to the Huffington Post article on this boy. There is a video. Seriously. what.the.fuck?

Oh Hell Yes!

2010-07-02T09:34:00.002-06:00

This is just fucking awesome. Go there. Now.

Post-It Note Tuesday, or PINT

2010-06-29T11:10:00.001-06:00

So I found this actually written on a sticky note in the bottom of my purse, which is why A. I am glad Starbucks no longer offers this delicious drink and B. I should probably clean out my purse more often. This was supposed to stop me from ordering my regular drink at Starbucks...

Tuesday Blog Hops Too??

2010-06-29T10:06:00.000-06:00

Like I told you last week, I have an addiction to blog hops. I'm getting help I promise.

My Little Forward Thinker

2010-06-28T13:41:00.000-06:00

Conversations with Bug are always comical, and his intelligence often amazes me. He really does say the damnedest things. I'm not sure what provoked this conversation, or where the hell he would have seen "Snow White and the 7 dorfs" as he calls them but he had this to say about those "dorfs" "yeah they work over by my school, and they make a HUGE mess. And I don't understand why Snow White cleans up after them, it's THEIR mess and THEIR house". Well dear, I guess Snow White didn't know any better. Princesses are like that. But you know better, so when you get married you can clean up after yourself and not make your wife do it. Just don't marry a princess, for many reasons.

I also learned today that the "dorfs" work by Bug's school which is both interesting and unsettling at the same time.

Sears Customer Service: Oxymoron is an Understatement

2010-06-24T23:59:00.000-06:00

Reminder: This post may not be suitable for all audiences. Dad, I'm pretty sure that means you. I swear. A lot. This is also really long. Please forgive me, I get wordy when I rant.

I've worked in customer service. I get it. I've been screamed at because the kitchen couldn't cook a steak well-done enough. I've been stiffed on a tip by soccer moms who don't think it's necessary to tip the girl stuck cleaning up after their hooligans. I've had very large women try and convince me that they didn't wear the underwear they are trying to return. I've been there. I know it's a shitty, thankless job. I also know that people don't deserve to be strung along, lied to, and hung up on because of a mistake that was COMPLETELY not a fault of their own.

Last week our dryer went out. It was old, and came with the house when we bought it, so we decided we should just go ahead and buy one of super awesome extra large capacity ones. One that dries a comforter in 3 minutes. One that flies. We opted to go to the Sears Appliance Outlet, biggest mistake ever, and it seemed like we were getting a really good deal. Yeah. We got it home and plugged it in and the damn thing didn't work. It turned on, it spun, but it didn't put out any heat, which is, ya know, essential, for a dryer. So we called the repair department. Their BRILLIANT advice was to make sure the circuit didn't break. Seriously? Do you think we are THAT stupid? The dryer is running you dipshit, of course the circuit didn't break! The only other option was to have a tech come out to the house which was going to take a week. So Charming Husband called the store, and ended up going in and talking to them. They immediately offered to replace it with a brand new one, still in the box. That alone makes me a little suspicious that they knew they were selling us a faulty dryer, but whatever, they were trying to make it right. They told us the brand new one would be delivered on Saturday. Done and done, right? Not so much.

I received at least 3 phone calls from an automated system telling me I would get a call Friday night (the night before delivery) with the time of our appointment. Sure enough, they called and said they would be at my house between 9:30 and 11:30 am. If you all remember, by this point I was in KS with my family and Charming Husband was at home, anxiously awaiting the arrival of our brand-new dryer so that he could finish the ~~8784 loads~~ reasonable amount of laundry on our floor. Around 12:30 the next day, 1 hour after the expected delivery, CH called to ask if I'd heard from Sears, which I hadn't. I gave him the number so he could call. Apparently, even though they had called me 4 fucking times to make sure we would be at home, they didn't show our delivery in the system. But not to worry, they put it all in. 3 hours later, I received a call telling me that the delivery team was running late. Ya think? But they weren't sure when the delivery would arrive. They would have the team call me immediately. They continued to call every 2 hours or so to tell me the same damn thing, the team is late and the driver will call me but they ARE on their way.And of course, every time they called it was an automated system that I had to work through just to get to someone who barely spoke English and couldn't pick out Denver on a map of Colorado. And I never once got a call from the driver. 12 hours, 12 HOURS!!!! after they were supposed to be at my house with my stupid dryer I called back. They said they would have the driver call me. I said bullshit. I want to speak to a manager. NOW. Someone who will get me a goddamn ETA. Someone who can tell me that I can release CH to leave the house for the 1st time on a fucking Saturday now that it is 10:00 at night. Someone who isn't a complete moron. They transferred me to a manager, and after being on hold for 5 minutes I hear "click". I don't think so. I called again. I went through the same bullshit, but this time I finally talked to a manager. I asked her what she is going to do to make this right. I wasted a good 4 hours of my vacation on the phone, my husband sat at home for 12 hours, and still, no one can tell me when the dryer will arrive. She even tells me she can't guarantee it will be that day. Uh, it better not be! 10:00 at night is too late to be banging around a dryer when children are sleeping (I didn't bother to mention that the children were not actually there, but it helped my case so...). She offered me a $50 Sears gift card. Seriously? I charge $15 an hour, and my husband's time on a Saturday is worth at least $25 an hour. You don't have to be a mathematician to know that $50 ain't gonna cut it, but I took it anyway. I was tired. It was late, I was at risk for losing my fucking mind so I took it. And I went to bed. They got 12 hours of patience out of me, which is about 11 1/2 more hours of patience than most people get. They should have felt lucky.

I called the next day out of sheer morbid curiosity. And that, my friends, is when I lost it. The man on the other end of the line who barely spoke English told me, "Thursday. Your dryer will be delivered Thursday." The fuck.it.will. I demanded to speak to a manager. Here were my exact words: "What do you mean Thursday? Why isn't going to be delivered tomorrow?" and he said, and get this, "There will not be inventory available until Thursday" "What do you mean there is no inventory? What the fuck happened to the 'inventory" that was supposedly on a truck on its way to my house for 12 hours yesterday? Why was I told 7 different times that the dryer was on its way to my house when you didn't even have the inventory, let alone have it on a truck for delivery? Get me a manager. I am done talking to you. I want to speak to a manager, now!" Again, hold hold hold hold...click. OH NO HE DID NOT. The next woman I spoke to was actually an American, or at least she sounded dumb enough to be from the deep deep south, and I'd be willing to bet she wished she hadn't answered my phone call. "Are you a manager?" "No, let me get your information so that I can better serve you" "no, I'm not giving anyone else my information because I am tired of repeating myself. Get me a goddamn manager, and get one right fucking now" "Ma'am I am going to have to hang up the phone if you continue to use that language" "well that's because you're a fucking dipshit. Get me a fucking manager" "I have to put you on hold to do that" "I HAVE BEEN ON FUCKING HOLD FOR 12 FUCKING HOURS!! I DON"T WANT TO BE ON HOLD I WANT A FUCKING MANAGER" Hold music. While on hold I said to my sister, "Stupid fucking white trash, that's what you get for being 60 and still working at Sears" Click. Ok, I might have deserved that one. At least that bitch never had my name and address.

I called and canceled the order for the dryer. I received 3 more phone calls from Sears in which they verified the new delivery date, verified my cancellation, verified that I was getting my refund, and every all ended with, "thank you, we appreciate your business". Yeah, I'm pretty sure I am done doing business with you. We bought a dryer somewhere else. We installed it tonight. It isn't super fancy, it doesn't dry a comforter in 3 minutes, and it doesn't fly. It does however heat up, and it is in my laundry room. I've had it for an hour and it already beats the stupid phantom dryer that Sear's was supposedly delivering.

I tweeted about how awful Sears was, and they responded with an email address and asked me to tell them my story. You can bet your ass I am going to do that, although I'm thinking I'll censor it first. In the mean time, I want everyone to hear my story. I want everyone to avoid the pain I endured. I want everyone to tell Sear's how unacceptable their customer service is. If you want to help me get the word out, pass this along. Has anyone else had a similar experience? If so, please share!

Follow Me Friday Overload

2010-06-24T23:48:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I might be addicted to blog hops. I apologize, sort of. But there are so many good ones!! Check them out, and don't forget to read my Sears rant posted below. To new followers, I promise I am not usually THAT angry. It's been a rough week. And it is also the perfect post for FAWK YOU Friday :)

Warning: Foul Language Ahead

2010-06-24T14:26:00.000-06:00

I have a few posts coming up soon, and I want to warn all of my readers that they are not for the faint at heart. They are not for people with young children reading over their shoulder. They are NOT for people who are offended by the f-word. or any other word for that matter. I have had some...confrontations, I guess you could say in the last week or so that have gotten me fired up and the only thing to do when you are this pissed off? Blog! So the next few posts are angry, a little amusing, and chock full of $(%R&H(**$(&@*&. Ye hath been warned!

Post-it Note Tuesday again!

2010-06-22T10:56:00.003-06:00

It's Possible That I Am Losing My Mind

2010-06-19T00:27:00.000-06:00

If I haven't lost it already, that is. As you all know, because you ~~better have~~ lovingly read my last post, my boys, my sister, and I are in Kansas visiting family that we just don't get to see enough. Today we had our hair done by our cousin who is in beauty school, and it looks AHmazing! (Partly because I always look and amazing and partly because she is really damn good at doing hair, but probably mostly because I look amazing. I'll post a picture at some point. I'm sure you'll be waiting with bated breath). Oh, and my sister's hair looks AHmazing as well. I might bribe my cousin to give the boys haircuts tomorrow, because you can't call yourself a professional until you've cut the hair of a screaming, wiggling, all-to-interested-in-the-buzzing-noise 10-month old. I promise I won't hold it against her if she nips his ear. Well, I might hold it against her a little, because you also can't call yourself a professional until you've been bitched out by a crazy lady with a bleeding, crying baby. The boys even did unbelievably well on the trip here. Limited noise out the little guy and no (none, zero, zilch) whining out of Bug. I think we broke a record for number of hours melt-down free.

Here is the part that makes me wonder about my sanity. As we drove 9 hours across the eastern plains of Colorado and through 97% of the state of Kansas, I thought to myself SEVERAL times, "wow, Kansas is kinda pretty". WTF right? Kansas? Pretty? Those words do not belong in the same sentance, unless of course the sentance is "Kansas is pretty boring" or "people from Kansas are pretty weird". I have made this drive many a time and I have never once considered Kansas to be anything other than the state that is just a tad less ugly than Nebraska, but as we were coming through this time, there were green fields and blue skies and hills! Did you know they have hills in Kansas?? They aren't nearly as interesting as "The Hills" on MTV but I'm 98.6% sure that the hills in Kansas don't have any STDs so they are probably better off than the ones on MTV. I tried to get a picture of the green and the hills and the prettyness but the car was moving too fast. I swear I'll try to get one on the way home, assuming I am awake. I wish I could take a picture of what sticky, hot, thick humidity looked like, because then you would be insanely jealous of my "vacation". Seriously though, this place is miserable outside of a/c.

Road Trip!!

2010-06-16T14:28:00.001-06:00

I wish I was telling you all that my girlfriends and I were jumping in the car and driving to Vegas, but sadly, this is not the kind of road trip that leads to copious amounts of alcohol and good times. No, my sister and I are packing up the boys and driving 9 hours across Kansas. I'll wait while you get your jealousy under control.

Jealousy contained? Great. My grandma (the one I have mentioned in previous posts, the one who is cooler than your grandma) lives in Kansas City, and it's about time for us to get out there and see her. 2 small boys who hate the car and 2 grown girls that used to do road trips but don't anymore; I somehow doubt this will go on the books as one of the great road trips of all time. Side note, Charming Husband got out of this trek because he has to "work" or something. Shenanigans. $20 says he leaves work early and downs a case of beer before we even make it to the Colorado border. Lucky son of a bitch.

Anywho, I am going to do everything I can to make sure that a) Bug enjoys himself and more importantly b) doesn't drive me to drink, 3. the little guy sleeps as long as possible and cries as little as possible, I am not above using Benadryl. I kid, I kid. and d) all 4 of us make it there and back with little to no pain. We shall see. I'll probably be keeping everyone up to date on our travel progress through Twitter, so if you don't follow me yet you should, because I am positive you all are DYING to see pictures of sleeping boys, annoyed sisters, and corn fields. Follow me @annied84. Do it. now. Wish me luck!!

Post-it Note Tuesday

2010-06-15T14:18:00.001-06:00

I've finally given in; I'm posting a Post-it note. It's a rather adorable little meme that I have been ignoring for quite some time. But here is my 1st ever. I hope you enjoy it.

You can make your own post-it note here if you want to join in on the fun! Leave me a comment with your link if you do so that I can check yours out too!

Bunny Hop

2010-06-14T14:34:00.000-06:00

I'm bunny-hopping today, enjoying a little blog-hop hosted by a new follower and a blogger I am a new follower of. Check out the other hoppers here and add your link!

It's Neat to be a Grown-up Sometimes

2010-06-12T00:07:00.004-06:00

Very rarely do I experience moments where I legitimately feel like a grown-up (and I think the fact that I say "grown-up" instead of "adult" is good proof of that). I had fun as a kid. I got into huge amounts of trouble as a teenager and enjoyed every minute of it. I enjoy childish humor and laugh like a 13 year-old if someone farts. I hate the idea of giving all that up. Tonight is one of those rare occasions where something happens that makes me say, "oh shit, that's something a grown-up does!". It isn't the big things that make me feel this way either. A husband, 2 kids, a full time job, and a mortgage payment don't make me feel grown up. Bills and meetings and cocktails with my girlfriends don't do it either. What it boils down to as I lie awake in my bed watching the lightening flash and the trees sway back and forth without hiding under the covers, is that my most grown up feelings come when I find myself doing things I remember my parents doing when I was a kid. My parents were never afraid of thunder storms, but I sure was. And when Bug wanders into my room tonight because he is scared I'm going to let him stay, because as a grown-up, I've been there. I've been too scared to sleep alone. Earlier tonight we did a little shopping to look for a new dryer because ours sounds like it has 3000 rocks in it (and buying major appliances is definitely something only grown-ups do). On our way home both boys fell asleep. Something about carefully sneaking a sleeping child out of his car seat, carrying him quietly to his bed, and gently tucking him in makes me feel grown-up. No, it makes me feel like an adult. And at that moment, being an adult is pretty damn awesome.

Very Important Laws That Everyone Should Know About

2010-06-10T19:07:00.008-06:00

Apparently, these are legitimate laws still on the books. I did not do the research to find them, someone over at DivineCaroline (who happens to be named Annie because clearly she is awesome) posted this 1st, but I am hijacking it so I can add witty commentary. You're welcome.

Alabama
It’s illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church. Yes, because church is no place for humor or fun
Alaska
Whispering in someone’s ear while he’s moose hunting is prohibited. No sweet nothings on the moose hunt? Well then you can count me out!
Arkansas
It’s illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas. What's so hard? Aarr-can-zuss. Just like it looks
California
You may not eat an orange in your bathtub. everyone knows oranges can't swim!
Colorado
It’s unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor (Denver). Ha! I WOULD live in a city where this was a law. That's why I don't vacuum, because my neighbors don't want to break the law and let me borrow theirs.
Connecticut
A pickle cannot actually be a pickle unless it bounces. But if no one is in the woods to see it, does it still bounce?
Delaware
It’s illegal to get married on a dare. Wait, are you telling me there are other reasons to get married?
Florida
If you tie an elephant to a parking meter, you must pay the same parking fee as you would for a vehicle. Ok, but if I forget, go ahead and stick that parking ticket in his mouth. He's friendly, I swear.
Idaho
A man must not give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing fewer than fifty pounds. Do they make boxes of chocolate that big? Good thing I don't have to worry about this since Charming Husband has never bought me a box of chocolates (HINT HINT!)
Illinois
It’s illegal to take a French poodle to the opera (Chicago). French poodles don't like the opera so I think that's fair, but don't even TRY to keep a Portuguese Water Dog out, they'll do whatever it takes to see The Magic Flute
Indiana
The value of pi is 4, and not 3.1415. I'm pretty sure that the value of pi isn't really up for discussion. It is what it is. But this is Indiana so we'll just let them think they are right.
Iowa
One-armed piano players must perform for free. Oh I get it, because they can only play half of the song, right?
Kansas
It’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits (Natoma). But men in polka dot suits are fair game, consider yourself warned.
Kentucky
Every citizen is required to take a shower once a year. Well, shiiiittt Clancy, you done broke the law! Hop on in that there water bucket and clean you off!
Maryland
It’s against the law to wash or scrub a sink, no matter how dirty it is (Baltimore). Maybe I should move to Baltimore...
Massachusetts
No gorilla is allowed in the backseat of any car. Well then where the hell is she supposed to ride? The front seat?
Michigan
A woman may not cut her own hair without her husband’s permission. That's fine, pony up the $150 and I'll pay someone to do it instead
Walking a dog without dressing it in diapers is forbidden (Temperance). Where can I find "doggy diapers"? Petsmart seems to be all sold out.
Missouri
Children may buy shotguns in Kansas City, but not toy cap guns. because THAT would be dangerous
Montana
It’s a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail. Then he can pay his own damn bills.
Nebraska
Bar owners may not sell beer unless they brew a kettle of soup simultaneously. Because it's bad luck? Is it beer cheese soup? I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Nevada
It’s illegal for men with mustaches to kiss women. This law is also on the books in the Annie household. We do not, under any circumstance, tolerate mustaches. Even if you think it is hilarious that you look the cop from Reno 911.
New Jersey
It’s against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season. Well then who the hell is gonna darn my socks?
New Mexico
Females may not appear unshaven in public.Well there is a shocking abundance of bearded ladies in Santa Fe, so this is understandable.
New York
While riding in an elevator, you must talk to no one, fold your hands, and look toward the door. Oh ok, so that's why all the people in elevators in New York city are such gigantic assholes, because anything else is illegal.
North Carolina
It’s against the law to sing off-key. This should be a federal law (here's looking at you Heidi Montag)
Oklahoma
It’s forbidden to take a bite out of another person’s hamburger. Shit yeah it is! Keep your grubby mitts off my french fries too!
Oregon
State law requires dishes to be drip-dried. Well that would require washing them 1st so I am in the clear.
Pennsylvania
It’s illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors. But they're so comfortable!
Rhode Island
You may not bite off another person’s leg. What if I am really, really hungry? It's ok then right? He said it was ok, I swear.
South Carolina
If a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, he is required by law to keep his promise. Yeesh, I hope there is an age limit on this one, or else South Carolina's gonna have a whole bunch of kindergartners gettin' hitched.
Texas
You may not shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel. Well OBVIOUSLY! You get such a better view from the 3rd story.
Utah
It is illegal not to drink milk. Another law on the books in my house
Virginia
Tickling a woman is unlawful. I am moving to Virginia.
West Virginia
If you make fun of someone who does not accept a challenge, you risk a six-month prison sentence. You mean like calling someone a pussy? Would that get you a prison sentence? Because someone was a pansy ass and just couldn't hang?
Wisconsin
Unless a customer specifically requests it, margarine may not be substituted for butter in a restaurant. Well we wouldn't want people losing weight and being all healthy and crap now would we?

I think providing witty commentary to other people's research and hard work has become my new favorite thing. I might just make it a weekly occurrence. Leave me your thoughts/suggestions/etc. Much obliged.

Things I Don't Love: Volume II

2010-06-07T20:59:00.000-06:00

Stupid, useless drama.

People who blame me for things that are not my fault and try to pin me and Charming Husband against each other. Guess what, it ain't gonna happen. I have his back and he has mine. I'm not going anywhere so you damn well better get used to the fact that me and our boys are numero uno now.

Lettuce.

Judgy wudgies. Stay the hell out of my business and I will give you the same courtesy.

Business trips for Charming Husband, for several reasons. 1. The single mom thing sucks, and it's hard. 2. I kinda like having him around. 3. The dogs apparently think that I am an idiot and need them to bark at every freaking thing, I appreciate that they are looking out for me but barking at the street lamp turning on at 3:00 in the doesn't actually help keep me safe. 4. We sort of live in the ghetto, so I get a little freaked out.

Not being able to afford lavish vacations. I just want to spend 6 days on the beach drinking rum punch while getting a pedicure and catching up on blogging. Is that so much to ask?

Calculus, especially calculus class in the middle of the summer in a classroom that lacks working a/c.

There is a Very Good Reason I Wasn't Alive in the 50s

2010-05-30T14:54:00.009-06:00

I consider myself a feminist in the fact that I believe women and men are equals and should be treated as such. I believe women have earned their right to make decisions for themselves, most importantly in terms of their bodies, their jobs, and their relationships. There is a side of me though that is not an uber-feminist which is that I don't take offense to sexist jokes, I love men, and I have come to terms with the fact that there are some things men can do that women simply cannot (like writing their name in the snow with their pee, and quite frankly I am jealous of that). A friend of mine sent me this link earlier this week and I can't help but have a few opinions on the ads pictured. Check it out to see all 25 of the most sexist ads. Here are a few of my favorites, or at least, the ones I just couldn't pass up.

Yes, women really are a pain in the ass when you are hiking, to the top of Broke Back Mountain. Women get in the way of sexy time. Don't worry fellas, no need to drag your lady along just to show off your Drummond sweaters, they say it themselves; You're playing for the other team. But what woman doesn't love a well-dressed gay man?

Well I am already SO feminine, in every sense of the word, so I suppose I don't need to douche, right? And while we are the subject, this product was CLEARLY invented by a man. Unfortunately he was dumb enough to name it after himself. Douche.

Um, I just have the 10 fingernails so I'm wondering what kind of man marries a woman with 7 fingers on each hand. And really, how bad do you have to be at cleaning an oven to break ALL of your nails doing it? This really should be an ad for acceptance of people with special needs and not for an oven. As a side note, I have an oven that is apparently self cleaning but I've yet to attempt to use it. Don't worry though, I rarely use the oven so it stays pretty clean on its own. Maybe that's what Sears is promoting; cook less and you won't have to clean the oven! Why, this ad isn't sexist at all! Clearly it was just misunderstood.

I can't tell you how many times a man's pants have been so amazing
that the only thing I could think of was that I wanted him to walk all over me. I doubt even in the 50s a man wanted a woman who just laid there like a wet fish, but I guess when the only thing you have going for you is the fact that you dress well, you take what you can get. And a woman with her coloring would really look better in a zebra print.

Well of course society won't stand for indelicate women! That's just ridiculous! And nothing smells better than a woman who has rubbed deodorant all over her body. Just be careful. If you have touched her, be sure to wash your hands before eating. Have you ever accidentally tasted deodorant? It is awful. No? Never happened to you? Well then, moving right along....

This is actually a proven fact: Hoovers are better than Dysons for beating the living shit out of the husband who thought a vacuum was an appropriate Christmas gift. And she can suck up the evidence afterward. Win-win.

Lysol? As a douche? WTF??? I guess I know what I WON"T be using to clean my kitchen from now on. And by kitchen I mean the actual kitchen in my house, not some strange new term for a yatch.

Was there some strange phenomenon with women who smelled really bad in the 50s? Did women have such bad odor that it caused marital turmoil? Maybe men she be thanking the leaders of the feminist movement, it kind of seems like they did the men of the world a favor by freeing them of all us smelly women.

Ooh yeah, a dirty ad. I like it! Although, it seems a little progressive for this kind of porn to be in print ads in the 50s but hey, it had to start somewhere. Jenna Jameson should thank this fine couple for the career opportunity.

I actually really like this idea. Replace those appliances with Burberry hand bags, iPods, and jewelry and you got yourself an A+ idea! No more guessing, no more returning presents. Get it right the 1st time! Now if the ad only gave hints on how to cry on cue....

Let me give you a little hint: If you blow ANYTHING in my face, all you're getting is a stiletto to the junk. Maybe if you're lucky I'll throw in a divorce lawyer.

I'll make you a deal, you buy me a brand new VW and I won't ask why. But I'll take it as your way of saying "go ahead and hit whatever the fuck you want" and that doesn't exclude you.

Oh, hey yeah, fuck you.