Thursday, April 8, 2010

Being Thankful Has Never Been So Easy

I'm sitting in the baby's room rocking him to sleep. One year ago today I wasn't sure if I would ever get to do this, and it was the only thing I could think about. One year ago today I had my 20-week ultrasound. I had done this once before with Bug so I shouldn't have been scared, but I knew something was wrong. I KNEW it. I sat there, waiting for bad news. And then it came: baby had a 2-vessel cord instead of a 3-vessel cord. This could mean low birth weight, it could mean kidney problems, it could mean downs syndrome. I have never been more scared in my entire life. 2 days later I saw a specialist who saw a 2nd marker for downs, meaning there was a 5% chance he had it. 5% may not seem like a lot, but you might as well have told me 95% because that's how I felt. We did the amnio and would have to wait over the weekend for the results. It was the longest weekend of my life. It was like I was a shadow of myself; I was there and you could see me, but you couldn't find my expression. I was blank. I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and emptiness coupled with hope and love for my baby boy. I started thinking about options and what I was capable of doing. I thought about how it wasn't fair that I grew up with a special needs child and now I would have to raise one. I thought about how this would change Bug's life forever and I didn't want him to go through that. I thought about the toll it would take in my marriage and I knew it was just a matter of time until it crumbled beneath the stress. I looked at the 4-D ultrasound picture over and over and over again telling myself, "he doesn't LOOK like he has downs syndrome. He looks like a normal baby boy. He has a nose bone. He has his daddy's nose. He looks... like my brother. The one with special needs".

The day I saw the specialist was opening day at Coors Field. I promised Bug I would take him and the last thing I was going to do was let him down. Tomorrow, I am taking both of my boys to opening day; both of my perfectly normal, totally healthy boys. One year ago the results from the amnio confirmed that baby did not have downs syndrome. He was still expected to have a low birth weight, but 10lbs, 3pz later he proved the docs wrong on that too.

It is easy to be thankful for what I have. I have everything I have ever wished for. I was given the thing I prayed hardest for. And I will never take that for granted. Being thankful has never been so easy.

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1 comment:

Chelsea C said...

Awww that is THE cutest pictures of BDD!!!!!