Thursday, June 10, 2010

Very Important Laws That Everyone Should Know About

Apparently, these are legitimate laws still on the books. I did not do the research to find them, someone over at DivineCaroline (who happens to be named Annie because clearly she is awesome) posted this 1st, but I am hijacking it so I can add witty commentary. You're welcome.

It’s illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church. Yes, because church is no place for humor or fun
Whispering in someone’s ear while he’s moose hunting is prohibited. No sweet nothings on the moose hunt? Well then you can count me out! 
It’s illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas. What's so hard? Aarr-can-zuss. Just like it looks
You may not eat an orange in your bathtub. everyone knows oranges can't swim!
It’s unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor (Denver). Ha! I WOULD live in a city where this was a law. That's why I don't vacuum, because my neighbors don't want to break the law and let me borrow theirs.
A pickle cannot actually be a pickle unless it bounces. But if no one is in the woods to see it, does it still bounce? 
It’s illegal to get married on a dare. Wait, are you telling me there are other reasons to get married? 
If you tie an elephant to a parking meter, you must pay the same parking fee as you would for a vehicle. Ok, but if I forget, go ahead and stick that parking ticket in his mouth. He's friendly, I swear. 
A man must not give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing fewer than fifty pounds. Do they make boxes of chocolate that big? Good thing I don't have to worry about this since Charming Husband has never bought me a box of chocolates (HINT HINT!)
It’s illegal to take a French poodle to the opera (Chicago). French poodles don't like the opera so I think that's fair, but don't even TRY to keep a Portuguese Water Dog out, they'll do whatever it takes to see The Magic Flute
The value of pi is 4, and not 3.1415. I'm pretty sure that the value of pi isn't really up for discussion. It is what it is. But this is Indiana so we'll just let them think they are right.
One-armed piano players must perform for free. Oh I get it, because they can only play half of the song, right?
It’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits (Natoma). But men in polka dot suits are fair game, consider yourself warned.
Every citizen is required to take a shower once a year. Well, shiiiittt Clancy, you done broke the law! Hop on in that there water bucket and clean you off! 
It’s against the law to wash or scrub a sink, no matter how dirty it is (Baltimore). Maybe I should move to Baltimore...
No gorilla is allowed in the backseat of any car. Well then where the hell is she supposed to ride? The front seat?
A woman may not cut her own hair without her husband’s permission. That's fine, pony up the $150 and I'll pay someone to do it instead
Walking a dog without dressing it in diapers is forbidden (Temperance). Where can I find "doggy diapers"? Petsmart seems to be all sold out.  
Children may buy shotguns in Kansas City, but not toy cap guns. because THAT would be dangerous
It’s a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail. Then he can pay his own damn bills.
Bar owners may not sell beer unless they brew a kettle of soup simultaneously. Because it's bad luck? Is it beer cheese soup? I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It’s illegal for men with mustaches to kiss women. This law is also on the books in the Annie household. We do not, under any circumstance, tolerate mustaches. Even if you think it is hilarious that you look the cop from Reno 911.  
New Jersey
It’s against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season. Well then who the hell is gonna darn my socks?
New Mexico
Females may not appear unshaven in public.Well there is a shocking abundance of bearded ladies in Santa Fe, so this is understandable.
New York
While riding in an elevator, you must talk to no one, fold your hands, and look toward the door. Oh ok, so that's why all the people in elevators in New York city are such gigantic assholes, because anything else is illegal.
North Carolina
It’s against the law to sing off-key. This should be a federal law (here's looking at you Heidi Montag)
It’s forbidden to take a bite out of another person’s hamburger. Shit yeah it is! Keep your grubby mitts off my french fries too!
State law requires dishes to be drip-dried. Well that would require washing them 1st so I am in the clear.
It’s illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors. But they're so comfortable!
Rhode Island
You may not bite off another person’s leg. What if I am really, really hungry? It's ok then right? He said it was ok, I swear.
South Carolina
If a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, he is required by law to keep his promise. Yeesh, I hope there is an age limit on this one, or else South Carolina's gonna have a whole bunch of kindergartners gettin' hitched. 
You may not shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel. Well OBVIOUSLY! You get such a better view from the 3rd story.
It is illegal not to drink milk. Another law on the books in my house  
Tickling a woman is unlawful. I am moving to Virginia. 
West Virginia
If you make fun of someone who does not accept a challenge, you risk a six-month prison sentence. You mean like calling someone a pussy? Would that get you a prison sentence? Because someone was a pansy ass and just couldn't hang?
Unless a customer specifically requests it, margarine may not be substituted for butter in a restaurant. Well we wouldn't want people losing weight and being all healthy and crap now would we?

I think providing witty commentary to other people's research and hard work has become my new favorite thing. I might just make it a weekly occurrence. Leave me your thoughts/suggestions/etc. Much obliged.


Jessica said...

Ok that was hilarious and I think you need to make this a weekly thing!! Thanks for the laughs!!

tbjenkins07 said...

"Even if you think it is hilarious that you look the cop from Reno 911"

omg annie i almost died laughing about this!!!

Erin Wallace said...

Ohio isn't on your list - apparently we are dignified and proper in every way!

Following from FF, please stop by my blog and follow! I also host a blog hop on Mondays (The Bunny Hop); Would love to see you there!

xo Erin

katmcd said...

Your comments were spot on. I sat at my desk laughing out loud.

I am Harriet said...

Hi There.
I'm looking for your Friday-Follow post.
Have a great day!

Christy said...

I hope you have more of these. They're great. I'm now following you so lead on. I can be found at with more opinions from a crazy woman. I apologize in advance. :)

Heather said...

I think my state is representing with the buffalo hunting law. Too bad now that law is irrelevant.....cuz hotels are extince.
I kill me.

Johnnie said...

I am so glad I found this post, and that I don't live in Utah. Found you through some friday blog hop. I am following now. I love laughing. Have a stellar weekend.

Carolyn said...

I just started following you from Follow Me Friday and I must say that your sarcasm is refreshing! I feel like I am hanging out with my best friend. Please check out my blog when you get a chance at Thanks and have a great weekend!

Nic said...

I wasn't aware there were a lot of moose in Alabama, let alone enough to hunt. Huh.

Thanks for stopping by my blog, following you back!

Brandi said...

H! Stopping by from Friday Follow. Nice to meet you. Can't wait to read more about you through your blog. Hope to see you around my corner of bloggy land.

Anonymous said...

I 'd rather give my sweetheart a 5 lb bag of Idaho potatoes!!!