Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Forgiving is Easier Said Than Done

Day 4 of 30 Days of Truth is "Something you have to forgive someone for". Last week I bragged explained that I forgive myself easily and don't dwell on my mistakes. Unfortunately forgiving others doesn't come so easily. I'm not talking about little things, like when Charming Husband ignores me and invites his friends over for drinks anyway. I will forgive him for that (just not this morning. Maybe later today...). When people mess up big time, and I mean like seriously fuck my life up, I don't tend to forgive them for a long time, if ever. I choose to write those people off as worthless to me, as people whose well-being I am no longer concerned with. One such person is my previous boss. I know several people who will read this know her, so I'll understand if you quit reading now (which might be a good idea). And I am not naming her, because this isn't about her so much as it is about me.

I was 8 weeks pregnant. I sat in her office and gushed about how happy I was. She gushed about how excited she was for me, and about how great the company had been for her during and after her recent pregnancy. We laughed about how awful our HR department was and how she couldn't wait for me to take it over some day. She was impressed with my plan for being able to afford maternity leave. For over an hour we giggled with excitement, teared up with happiness, and brainstormed about the future. I knew she was on my side and happy for me. 4 days later, she pulled me into the office of the COO (who is a cocksucker by the way, but that's a different issue in and of itself) and fucking fired me. She used the lame excuse that some worthless sales person refused to work with me, and I knew about it but refused to change. 10 months earlier I had gotten written up because I caused a problem with this particular sales person and he got his panties twisted so I got in trouble. I changed, I put on my "I'm so happy to be here and you are always right" face and sucked it up. 1 month before I was fired, I was given a raise and told that there had been no complaints about me, even from that sales person. But somehow, 4 days after I told my boss I was pregnant, those problems resurfaced. I was furious. I have never been so angry in my life. The things I considered unleashing on that company and those people make me sick to think about now. The amount of stress that situation caused me could have cost my child his life. It did cause serious complications in my pregnancy, and had something gone terribly wrong I would have immediately placed the blame on the 2 people in that office that day. Thankfully my son is healthy, so redemption is no longer something I dream about. I don't think about those people unless someone else brings it up, and when that happens I immediately switch my brain off. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to have this much hate. I don't want the stress to come back.

I should forgive her. When I worked for her I liked her most of the time, so I should forgive her and move on. But why should I offer forgiveness to someone who has never asked for it? She doesn't care that she caused my family so much heartache that we almost couldn't bounce back, so why should I give her the respect of forgiveness? Maybe when more time passes I will forgive because I have forgotten, but today is not that day. I feel so betrayed. Betrayed by someone I thought cared about me and my family. But mostly betrayed by intuition. I usually know what people I can trust and which ones I need to be careful of. I thought I could trust her, and I couldn't, so now I have lost faith in my ability to read people. Betrayal is not so easy to forgive for, but hopefully someday I am capable of that.

*This post has been edited to add this: Charming Husband is taking me out for lunch and ice cream, all is forgiven there.


Mary Catherine said...

HI! Stopping over from SITS! Great post, I need to find ways to forgive some of the people in my life!

I hope the ice cream was yummy!

Johanna said...

Welcome to Mommy Bloggy and great past by the way, is good to forgive unless you really want go postal, and forgive later. : )
Anyway, check out my blog as well and join if you'd like. http://www.momstreehouse.com/

Thanks : )

tawna6988 said...

It takes awhile to forgive husbands, I swear! I am found you through bloggy moms. I am your newest follower, hope to see you stop by my blogs!


Crazy Brunette said...

I'd have sued the fuck out of that piece of shit company!

Love ya skeeze!

Aimee said...

OMG i LOVE your intro 'stick up your ass'!!! lmao!! i know a lot of those people and i generally ask them about their stick which usually causes it to further irritate them somehow. lol
love your blog so i'm now reading but i now have to go beat down my kids.. following!! lol

PartlySunny said...

I'm probably telling you something that you already know, so you can just stop reading or tell me to shut it, but forgiveness really has more to do with you than her. When it comes down to it, who's really being hurt by all of this? Any anger that you hold onto is wasted time and energy that you could spend on that awesome family of yours, right? And whenever you feel like someone didn't get what she had coming to her, I always like to say, "Her punishment is her life." If this is the way she runs things, I'm guessing it's not all sunshine and roses for her, even if it looks that way.

Hope lunch was fun.

Annie D said...

I know this is more about me, and for the most part I don't think about these people so holding onto this anger doesn't affect me on a daily basis. But with the 30 days of truth thing, I had to think about it :) I do like your "Her punishment is her life" thing though, and I'm pretty sure hers is not sunshine and roses. Thanks for commenting!!

And thank you to all of my new followers and commenters!!

Olivia said...

Wow! That is just NASTY! Did you consider suing? I see no reason for forgiveness here, that is illegal as well as inhumane. Not to mention hypocritical!