I am sure of myself. I know what I want and when I want it. I make decisions quickly and I stick by them...until now. I can honestly say I have never been so unsure of something in my entire life. Charming Husband and I are talking about another baby. I always thought we would have at least 3, if not 4, kids. Right now we have 2 absolutely beautiful, wonderful, healthy boys. Until a few weeks ago, having another baby was a given, but now? Now I'm not so sure. I keep going back and forth, weighing the options, figuring out all of the logistics. And I can find great things about each side.
If we don't have more kids, we can start thinking about fun family vacations and what our future really looks like. We can afford a new car sooner (because I'm about to ghost-ride my piece of shit off a cliff), we can provide our boys with everything they need, and I can afford a mani/pedi every two weeks. And have I mentioned that I am back down to pre-pregnancy weight? I'm hot again, I'm not sure if I want to get fat again. Hey, I never said my reasons weren't selfish. I am also so unbelievably scared about complications. We had a scare with our littlest, and while in the end he was completely healthy, I'm just not sure if I can risk any problems. We cannot handle complications. Having a child with special needs would destroy our marriage, and our lives. I know that sounds harsh, and I know people do it everyday, but I can't. I did it every day growing up. My brother has severe non-verbal Autism, and while I love my brother, I absolutely cannot fathom having to go through what my parents went through. I can't do it. I won't do it. So what do I do? Do I risk having a special needs child just so that I have the chance of having a little girl?
The other side of this is, of course, that I would love another baby. And really, what are the chances that we would have a special needs child? I do really want a girl, but I will still be totally happy with another healthy baby boy. I sit in the little guy's room at night, looking at all his baby stuff, thinking to myself, "I just don't FEEL done". I see families of 4 walking around and they don't look complete. I picture 3 kids in front of the fireplace for Christmas pictures, and 3 kids around the dinner table. 3 kids seems like the right amount. If something were to happen that would physically prevent us from having another baby, I wouldn't feel like there was something missing. I would just be happy with the kids I've got and wouldn't dwell on the one's I didn't get. But because we are still capable of having kids, I almost feel obligated to have one more. I feel like there is a baby inside of me that is supposed to be born and I am not giving it the opportunity. Is that crazy? Don't answer that.
We are at the point where it is do or die. If we are going to have another child it will need to be soon, very soon. I want to be done with pregnancies and breastfeeding and worrying about what I can eat and what I can't drink. If we have a baby next year I'll still be in my 40's when he or she graduates high school, and Charming Husband and I will be young enough to really enjoy the finer things in life. I don't want to say that we are done, and make things permanent, just to decide in a year that I don't feel full. Most importantly, I don't want to regret my decision to have more because we realize too late that we can't handle it. Someone, please, tell me what I should do. Is 3 kids too much to handle? Do you regret not having more? What are the chances I'll wind up with triplets? I'm really at a loss on this one...