Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Someone Please Just Tell Me What to Do

I am sure of myself. I know what I want and when I want it. I make decisions quickly and I stick by them...until now. I can honestly say I have never been so unsure of something in my entire life. Charming Husband and I are talking about another baby. I always thought we would have at least 3, if not 4, kids. Right now we have 2 absolutely beautiful, wonderful, healthy boys. Until a few weeks ago, having another baby was a given, but now? Now I'm not so sure. I keep going back and forth, weighing the options, figuring out all of the logistics. And I can find great things about each side.

If we don't have more kids, we can start thinking about fun family vacations and what our future really looks like. We can afford a new car sooner (because I'm about to ghost-ride my piece of shit off a cliff), we can provide our boys with everything they need, and I can afford a mani/pedi every two weeks. And have I mentioned that I am back down to pre-pregnancy weight? I'm hot again, I'm not sure if I want to get fat again. Hey, I never said my reasons weren't selfish. I am also so unbelievably scared about complications. We had a scare with our littlest, and while in the end he was completely healthy, I'm just not sure if I can risk any problems. We cannot handle complications. Having a child with special needs would destroy our marriage, and our lives. I know that sounds harsh, and I know people do it everyday, but I can't. I did it every day growing up. My brother has severe non-verbal Autism, and while I love my brother, I absolutely cannot fathom having to go through what my parents went through. I can't do it. I won't do it. So what do I do? Do I risk having a special needs child just so that I have the chance of having a little girl?

The other side of this is, of course, that I would love another baby. And really, what are the chances that we would have a special needs child? I do really want a girl, but I will still be totally happy with another healthy baby boy. I sit in the little guy's room at night, looking at all his baby stuff, thinking to myself, "I just don't FEEL done". I see families of 4 walking around and they don't look complete. I picture 3 kids in front of the fireplace for Christmas pictures, and 3 kids around the dinner table. 3 kids seems like the right amount. If something were to happen that would physically prevent us from having another baby, I wouldn't feel like there was something missing. I would just be happy with the kids I've got and wouldn't dwell on the one's I didn't get. But because we are still capable of having kids, I almost feel obligated to have one more. I feel like there is a baby inside of me that is supposed to be born and I am not giving it the opportunity. Is that crazy? Don't answer that.

We are at the point where it is do or die. If we are going to have another child it will need to be soon, very soon. I want to be done with pregnancies and breastfeeding and worrying about what I can eat and what I can't drink. If we have a baby next year I'll still be in my 40's when he or she graduates high school, and Charming Husband and I will be young enough to really enjoy the finer things in life. I don't want to say that we are done, and make things permanent, just to decide in a year that I don't feel full. Most importantly, I don't want to regret my decision to have more because we realize too late that we can't handle it. Someone, please, tell me what I should do. Is 3 kids too much to handle? Do you regret not having more? What are the chances I'll wind up with triplets? I'm really at a loss on this one...


abeautifullittlefool said...

Love you and am here for you in any way you need me to be. I don't have kids, so relevant advice is out. But I'm really good at drinking wine and making appetizers. And those two things make a perfect setting for word vomiting your worries on your best friend. Just sayin'.


Anonymous said...

1st of all. Women don't "get fat" when they are pregnant. They have to gain weight to carry the baby and of course they have extra blood and not to mention a baby and an organ that is super unique. If you get on the ball right now you could have a july or august baby. (Prego+swimming pool=bliss. However there is nothing certain in life and if you are unsure- just wing it... Only you will know if you want another. Every pregnancy is different and you can't worry if something will go wrong. That is the wrong attitude to have. No one can tell you what to do... You will have to do this on your own

Gucci Mama said...

I don't know what kind of rainbows anonymous shat all over the place while she was pregnant, but I sure as shit got fat. I hated being pregnant. I'm not ashamed to say it. It was not a beautiful, womanly, magical experience for me. It was painful and uncomfortable and dangerous and it sucked.

Children are fabulous; pregnancy is not. Let's not be afraid to say it.

Now then.

Annie, my dearest love, it sounds to me like you are not done having babies. I have certainly known women who regret not having more, but I've never heard of a woman on planet Earth who regrets having her children. So it might be scary, it might be overwhelming, and you may feel pretty freaked out about it, but if you want it - and it sure sounds like you do - I say go for it. Even if you have to get fat. You're totally hot; you can pull off the fat. And you can lose it again. Get a ridiculously expensive jogging stroller out of the deal.

If you do have another baby, Auntie Gucci will need to know the sex as soon as you do, because Auntie Gucci is DONE having babies, but she LOVES to shop for babies, and will be sending truck loads of gifts.

Annie D said...

Andrea: I love you, you're the absolute best! And I will be taking you up on the wine and appetizers offer soon :)

Anon: regardless of the benefits of gaining weight while pregnant, you still have to lose it when your done. And I did, in fact, get fat. Which is why there are so very few pictures of me prego. And I didn't love being pregnant. It is sort of a necessary evil. Oh, and I am actually allergic to swimming.

GM: Um, I love you. And really, what you said is pretty much what I was looking for. I need a voice of reason. And I have thought the same thing, I would never regret having another child, I would only regret not having one. I'm just not quite ready to commit to a decision. Oh, and it a better be a girl, I am getting seriously outnumbered!

Gucci Mama said...

Love you, babes. I definitely vote girl to even the score. Who can we call about that?

Ellie's Emporium said...

Annie, I know you will make the right decision for all of you! I used to feel the same way - that if the doctors told me I couldn't have any more children that I would be ok with it. Well, I have wanted three (or more) children since I was much younger and the doctors told me after Finn was born that another pregnancy would kill me and so I am no longer able to have another. There is a sense of loss deep in my soul which I often don't share with people but is constantly there. Like GM said - you never regret having children, just not having them.