Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

I pray to God I am never again single. Now there are many reasons for this of course, the most important being that I kinda like my Charming Husband and would like to keep him around. The other reason being that if I ever found myself single again I would be single for the rest of my life.

It isn't that I am down on myself or think that I am not desirable enough for someone new. No. The problem is the options that are out there, or lack of options I should say. My husband is a man, and has been since he was 21 when I met him. He shoots guns, he drinks beer, he blows shit up in the back yard. While these are not typically activities I join him in (although I do love the occasional beer at the firing range) I am glad that these are his hobbies. Most of my married friends have husbands very similar to mine, but as I look around me I can't help but ask, "Are men a dying breed?” All I can seem to find are boys with perfectly waxed eyebrows, pedicures, and pink Polo shirts, and don't even get me STARTED on skinny jeans! WTF? Since when did it become cool for boys to act like girls? I'm glad that you are all "secure in your masculinity" or whatever, but stay the fuck away from me. In today's society where it is socially acceptable, if I wanted to date a girl, I would. But since I have no interest in dating girls, I have no interest in any of the boys that are out there. (Please notice that I continue to use the term "boy" rather than "man", and that is on purpose)

I also can't help but wonder if women like me are dying breed. Do other women actually appreciate boys like this? Do other women enjoying getting manicures and pedicures with their boyfriend? Do other women not mind when their boyfriend steals their makeup? If there are women out there like that, you can also stay the fuck away from me. The last thing I want to hear about is how sensitive your boyfriend is, and how caring and understanding he is, and how he is so environmentally friendly, and how he cried during "Sex and the City". The fact that he even watched that movie with you irritates me. I can appreciate a man who can cry, but save it for the delivery room when your first child is born or graduation day when your youngest is about to head to college, or for the day you give your only daughter away to her new husband. If you are crying at a Hallmark commercial, I sincerely hope you can find your way out the door through those crocodile tears.

Maybe because I didn't grow up with any girly-boys in my life I simply don't understand them, but the image I have always had of what men should be never involved eyeliner and pink shirts (I really hate the pink shirts if you can't tell). Prince Charming rode a white horse, he didn't drive a baby blue Prius. If he drove anything it would be a big white diesel truck you could hear miles away (or in my case a white Suburban). I don't want to show up to dinner with some guy that looks more put together than me. I am supposed to be the pretty one. I am the one who is supposed to take 2 hours to get ready. I don't want to fight over who needs to use the bathroom. You are a boy, you only get 20 minutes. If you need more, get your own apartment. and maybe a boyfriend. and possibly a toy poodle.

So I have to ask: Where have all the cowboys gone? Where are all of the Prince Charmings? Are there any real men left? I couldn't be happier that I landed the man I did when I did, because I snagged the last one. Give me football every Sunday and The Bass Pro Shop 3 times a week so long as I never have to arrive at a restaurant in a Prius driven by a boy in a pink shirt with a manicure.

* This post has been edited to include the following additional activities I do not look for in a man:

Fake tanning (including spray tanning)
Drinking Cosmopolitans
Taking bubble baths (unless it is with a beautiful woman of course)
Not knowing how to drive a stick shift
Not knowing the difference between a flat head and a Phillips head screwdriver
Wearing Crocs