My New Gig

It's been 9 months since I quit my job, moved to VA for my husband's job, and began my life as a trophy wife stay at home mom. Since my oldest was born 7 years ago I have dreamt of being able to stay home and live in yoga pants and not wash my hair. Now that dream has come true. Turns out the dream was a lot more ideal than the reality.

Don't get me wrong; I freaking love my children. I love this opportunity I've had to spend time with them during these precious years. That being said, I'm not really cut out for this whole stay at home mom gig. I hate-H.A.T.E.- cleaning. My coworkers are tyrants, and my boss is kind if an asshole (I don't actually consider my husband my boss, but it's his money that I spend and he is the one with all those stupid totally rational expectations). Did I mention I hate cleaning? And I believe that my husband shouldn't have to work 70+ hours every week and then come home and clean. He's never here, I always am, it really is my job. When I worked full-time we shared this responsibility and now I sometimes fantasize about going back to work just so I don't have to fold the damn laundry.

My children, while brilliant and adorable, are also capricious, and probably communists. So far today I have stepped in to solve the "mine" argument between a 3 year old and a 1 year old at least 6 times, and I had to resort to bribery to get both of them to put on effing pants. By about 10:00 this morning the daily temper tantrum count was at 14 so I stopped counting. 3 year olds have got to be the WORST co-workers on the planet.! The bus that brings my oldest to school was 45 minutes late this morning, leaving us out in the below freezing temperature and me praying that neither of the younger ones had awoken to discover me missing. If I'm going to go AWOL, it will be in the summer when the weather is nice and I can escape to the outer banks. That same bus was at least 30 minutes late getting home this afternoon sending the rational mom side of me into a crazybitch tizzy. The highlight of my day is when all 3 are in bed and I can soak in my big ass tub with a huge glass of wine (fun fact: my wine glasses hold a 1/2 bottle of wine, so I rarely have to refill!) and a cigar- Rev Run style. Every few weeks Charming husband lets me take the car to town so I can get a pedicure. Yes friends, this.is.the.life. I live 15 minutes from the nearest Red Bull dealer grocery store and another 25 from the nearest Target. None of my neighbors are under 60; all of them are in bed by 9.

So I guess I am...adjusting. What I need is some more SAHM friends (or friends in general; I literally know 1 person my age in the whole state of VA so I'm taking applications for my new BFF). I get to be home with my children and see the amazing things they do at this stage, not just the asinine things they say. This afternoon I was told to not put Little Miss down for a nap because she is his "best friend" and his "best baby". That's pretty stinkin' sweet. Coincidentally, that same sweet child told me to stop talking on the phone because it was making him cold. Because rational. I'm trying to get the hang of it, and I cleaned the whole 1st floor yesterday (I even swept!). Hopefully by the end of the summer I'll have this job down pat, or I'll quit and go back to work.