The Grocery Store

The grocery store is a dreaded place for me; a place where great recipes and good intentions go to die. Grocery shopping used to be Charming Husband's responsibility. He could get in and get out in record time, all while getting everything we needed and saving us money. Every time I went I would come home with chicken breasts, potato chips, Chapstick, and Oreos. And it would cost me a fortune. Now that I'm staying home the grocery shopping is listed under my job description. I'm getting better at it, and at least now I sort of know where stuff is and I don't wander the aisles aimlessly for an hour. But the grocery shopping is still not at easy task; throw in 3 children and it becomes every mom's worst nightmare. I had 2 back to back days of grocery store trips (because why would I get everything I need at once? How else am I going to waste gas if I don't drive the 10 miles to town every single day?), and they were doozies.

My 1st trip this week included all 3 of my kids. We got to the store and unfortunately thankfully that dreaded so helpful race car cart was available. Most of the shopping trip went off without a hitch, minus the 3 minute mini meltdown 3YO had because I put the apples in the bag when he wanted to. Fast forward to the checkout line. 7YO decided to climb on top of the race car. After more than necessary threats to his general well being he jumped down, but not before 3YO saw him and decided he wanted to try. He climbed up top and for no apparent reason decided to yell at random intervals, while Little Miss sat in the race car and squeaked that stupid horn. This would normally never fly, but I was having a hell of a time trying to pay. The day before I had been in NY, so when I tried to run my debit card it was declined (because apparently it's considered unusual activity that I'm using my card to spend $60 at a grocery store near my house but spending God only knows how much at a bar in NYC at 3:00 in the morning is totally normal). No biggie, I'll just use my back up credit card. JUST KIDDING! It's May 1st, and that card expired yesterday. I had the clerk suspend the order so I could call and activate my new card, all while 3 children continue to ignore me and scream for no reason. One of the ladies who worked there shushed them, and where normally I would tell her to mind her own damn business, the kids looked shocked enough that it might actually help so I let it
happen. We finally got out of the store with groceries paid for, but 3YO wasn't done. As I tried to call Wells Fargo to tell them how much I hate them complain in a rational manner, he threw the mother of all fits. Thankfully he was in the car so I stepped out. It was bad day for everyone involved.

The very next day I was back at the store, this time with just 2 kids (7YO was still at school) and no race car cart. Both kids were behaving nicely (after another brief 3YO meltdown, over what I have no idea), and we were making good time getting through the store. We had just turned onto the juice aisle when I saw it. There was an, uh, rotund woman, wearing what can only be described as a muumuu that a unicorn had thrown up on. The colors, oh the colors, they hurt my eyes. It was so awful, in so many ways. There was a coat and some sort of leggings involved as well. I only wish I'd had the wherewithal to snap a picture. I tried not to make it obvious, and I did a pretty good job (I mean, I'm a pro at silently judging people). I looked down at 3YO who was staring at this atrocity, eyes wide. The look on his face was one part shock, one part awe, and 3 parts what the fuck are you wearing crazy lady. She had our back to us so I wasn't really worried. He looked her up a down, then he looked at me and paused for a moment, then he looked back at her...and quacked. He quacked. At a woman. Because of her clothes. I should've have been mad and disciplined him, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't ridiculously proud. I don't know if she heard him, I high-tailed it to the next aisle as fast as a mom with 2 kids and a full shopping cart can. We managed to get out the store without anymore incidents and without anymore run-ins with the muumuu. I have never been more happy to get out the grocery store, and I really hope I don't have to go back until at least next week. Did I mention that I hate grocery shopping?